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EU-pisode II--"Chapter 1: The 12 Characters of EU"

Obi-wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker stand back-to-back fending off an army of stormtroopers, Mandalorians, and bounty hunters. 

A ship drops out of the sky and lands on the battlefield, squashing the bad guys. Out step Grand Admiral Thrawn, Jorus C'boath, Prince Xizor, Dash Rendar, Garm Bel Iblis, Kyle Katarn, Mara Jade, a dozen cloned Emperors, a gaggle of Solo-babies, hundreds of Noghri, and a ysalamiri in a pear tree. 

Obi-wan: Who are you people? 

Thrawn: Well...that's a very long, boring, convoluted...... 

Xizor: ...and crappy, don't forget crappy! 

Thrawn: ...yes, and crappy, story. 

Anakin: Why are you here? 

Thrawn: Because fanboys wanna see us. Aren't we cool? 

Obi-wan: Umm.......no. 

Xizor: Not even a little bit? 

Obi-wan: Not even a little bit. 

Thrawn: But, but, but........ZAHN RULES!!!! Besides, we brought you a delivery: some spaarti cylinders. 

Anakin: Some what? 

Thrawn: You know, spaarti cylinders. They're used to make clones. 

Anakin: No they're not. 

Jorus C'Boath: But you can imagine what it would be like if they were. Right? 

Anakin: No. This is the Clone Wars. Don't you think we'd know about these things? 

Thrawn: The CLONE WARS!!!!! But, that's supposed to happen when you're four years old. You don't look four to me. 

Anakin: Good point. Why don't you guys go back to Bpfassh, Myrkyr, Bakura, Shaba-daba-doobie-doobie-doo, or whatever crappy planet you come from? 

Thrawn: How dare you! Feel the wrath of my ysalamiri! It blocks out Force powers, you know. 

Anakin: I feel fine. How 'bout you Obi-wan? 

Obi-wan: I feel fine, too. Whoever told you guys that a lizard could block out the Force? 

Thrawn: Well.... 

Mara Jade: Don't you at least like our ship? It's a Dreadnaught, you know. 

Obi-wan: Looks like a real POS to me. You sure that's a real starship? 

Thrawn: Not really, no. But I'm told they used to be all the rage in the galaxy during the Clone Wars. 

Obi-wan: Do you see any 'Dreadnaughts' around here? 

Thrawn: No....Come to think of it, I don't see any Z-95 Headhunters either. 

Anakin: Thank the Force I don't have to pilot something called a 'Z-95 Headhunter'. 

Xizor: Come on, give us a chance. Trust me, it all 'fits together' somehow. You just have to use a little 'imagination'. 

Obi-wan: I sense a disturbance in the Force. 

Anakin: I have a bad feeling about this..... 

EU-pisode II--"Chapter 2: The Evil of Palpatine" 

INT. Palpatine's apartment. 

PALPATINE stands near the window, staring out into the dazzling lights of the Coruscant nightlife. Next to him stands the new Sith Apprentice, DARTH ZAHNDERSON. 

PALPATINE: We must do something about that pesky Jedi Obi-wan Kenobi and his plucky sidekick Anakin. 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: And that little Whill buddy of theirs, too. Right Palps? 

PALPATINE: That little what? 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Whill....you know, Master Yoda. 

PALPATINE: Right.........'whill'.........anyway, we must do something about them. 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Something...............evil? 

PALPATINE: Yeah, something evil. You got a problem with that? 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Well, we do something evil every night Palpy......... 

PALPATINE: (glaring menacingly) grrrrrrr....... 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Okay, okay....evil it is. Your the boss Palpy. Anyway, I've hired some new help for you, sir. 

PALPATINE: You mean, like an intern? 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Sort of..... 

In walks MARA JADE. She almost trips over Palpatine's coffee table, but manages to steady herself by grabbing onto his robe. 

PALPATINE: Who is this? 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Her name is Mara. She's gonna be your 'Emperor's Hand'. Pretty nifty, eh Palps? 

Palpatine lifts his hands up, examining them carefully. 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: No, not that kind of hand. She'll be like your special servant--running your errands, doing your bidding, washing your laundry, etc. 

PALPATINE: Isn't that your job? 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Let's talk about something else........ahhhhhh, one moment please. 

Darth Zahnderson leaves the room, reentering alongside a freshly-cloned Emperor Palpatine. 

PALPATINE: ???????? What's the meaning of this? 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: It's a clone....of you. You can never have enough clones. 

PALPATINE: He is kinda cute. What should we call him. 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: I was thinking.....Paalpatine. 

PALPATINE: That's my name! 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: No, it only sounds exactly the same. It's actually spelled with two 'a's. 

PALPATINE: How creative. 

In walks another cloned Emperor.... 

PALPATINE: And what should we call this one? 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Palpaatine. 

In walk two additional clones. 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Allow me to introduce you to Palpatiine and Ppaaaallllppaaaaaattttttiiiiinnnee. 

PALPATINE: Good lord. 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Okay, so which clone would you like to use for the Soul-Transfer. 

PALPATINE: The what? 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: You know, the soul-transfer. Where you transfer your soul from that decaying body of yours into a fresh clone. 

PALPATINE: First of all, my body is not decaying. Second of all, you've obviously been reading way too many comic-books, Zahnderson. 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: I can't help myself.... 

PALPATINE: Where did you learn about all this 'soul transfer' mumbo-jumbo'? 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: The teachings of the great Sith Lord, Exar-Kun. 

PALPATINE: There's never been a Sith Lord named 'Exar-Kun'. He doesn't even have the word 'Darth' in his name. That 'Darth' thing is the first thing they teach you at Sith school. Haven't you learned anything from me, Zahnderson? 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: I have a short attention span. Well maybe you'll like this clone better... 

In walks a tiny cloned Mini-Palp. 

PALPATINE: What is the meaning of this!? Are you trying to mock me?! 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: I thought it would be funny... 

PALPATINE: Oh, brother...... 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Oh...I almost forgot....I bought some ysalamiri for you. 

PALPATINE: Some what? 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Ysalamiri....you know, they block out the Force. 

PALPATINE: Will you fall for anything? Where did you get the money for those? 

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Well....I...kinda....spent my allowance... 

PALPATINE: I gave you that money to buy a new double-bladed lightsaber!!!!!! You spent it on some furry lizzards!!!!! You know they don't let me have pets in this building!!!!! That's it!!!! 

Palpatine sends a jolt of Force lightning into Darth Zahnderson, knocking him right through the window, off the balcony, and into oncoming traffic. 

He turns to survey the room. He sees the four 'Palpaclones' running around in circles, bumping heads. Mara Jade is mesmerized by a piece of fragile pottery in the corner. She reaches out to touch it with her hand, knocking it over in the process. 

PALPATINE: I have a bad feeling about this..... 

EU-pisode II--"Chapter 3: Enter the Fett" 

Anakin Skywalker and Obi-wan Kenobi are taking a little stroll through the vast deserts of Tatooine. They've taken a break from the Clone Wars, and Anakin has brought Obi-wan back to take a tour of his home planet, show him the best tourist-sites, etc. They've stopped in front of the sarlaac pit..... 

ANAKIN: ......and this is a sarlaac pit. I'll never foget the time when that red-headed punk called me 'bug-squat'. Me and Kitster snuck out later that night, kidnapped him, and threw him into the pit. I could hear his girly screamin' until the thing chomped down on his little body.........Good Times........ 

OBI-WAN: Anakin!!!!!!!!!! Too much info!!!! 

ANAKIN: Sorry. 

Suddenly an uber-cool looking being dressed in Mandalorian combat armor, brandishing a blaster, leaps up from his hiding place in the sands near the pit,. 

ANAKIN AND OBI-WAN: Who are you?!?!?!?! 

BOBA FETT: My name is Boba Fett. You killed my father, prepare to die.......I'm a Mandalorian, you know. 

OBI-WAN: Excuse me, I didn't catch that last part. Did you say you were a "Delorian Man"? 

BOBA FETT: NO. Ther term was Man-Da-Lor-I-An. They were a group of warriors who fought the Jedi during the Clone Cars. Duh! 

ANAKIN: I think you must be mistaken. I've never heard that term before in my life. 

BOBA FETT: You've insulted me for the last time. Prepare to die, or my name isn't Jaster Mereel, d'oh I mean, Boba Fett!!!!! 

Anakin and Obi-wan fall to the ground in hysterical laughter. Finally, Obi-wan manages to get back up to his feet. 

OBI-WAN: Please don't shoot............JASTER!!! (fighting back tears of laughter). Are you sure that's your real name? 

BOBA FETT: Not really, no. But I've been told.... 

ANAKIN: Sounds like you've been told a lot of things, son. Do you believe everything you're told? 

BOBA FETT: That's it!!!! Disintegration time!!!!! 

Boba prepares to fire his blaster, but Obi-wan uses a quick Force push to knock him into the Sarlaac. He falls in with a girlish scream. 

ANAKIN: Well, that's the end of that guy. Now, what were we talking about? Oh yeah....anyway, one time me and Kitster brought the girls out here for some......... 

His story is halted, as Boba Fett leaps up out of the pit and lands on his feet. 

ANAKIN AND OBI-WAN: ????????? 

BOBA FETT: The Sarlaac found me 'somewhat indegestible', boys. 

OBI-WAN: Excuse me? 

BOBA FETT: You know, indegestible. It's like when you eat something that's...... 

OBI-WAN: I know what the word means. Shouldn't you be dead? 

BOBA FETT: Hmmmmm....you'd think so, but well, I guess not. Prepare to die! 

He fires a shot at the two Jedi with his blaster. Thinking quickly, Anakin deflects the blaster bolt with his lightsaber, redirecting it squarely into Boba's chest. It burns right through him, leaving him dead in the sand. 

ANAKIN: So as I was saying..... 

Boba Fett jumps back up to his feet. 

BOBA FETT: The blaster bolt found me 'somewhat impenetrable'. 

Obi-wan slices Boba Fett in half with his saber. The two halves join back together, and Boba Fett gets back on his feet. 

BOBA FETT: The lightsaber found me 'somewhat un-sliceable'. 

Anakin grabs a nearby thermal detonator, lobbing it at Fett and blowing him into bits. The bits float back to the ground, reforming into, you guessed it....Boba Fett. 

BOBA FETT: The thermal detonator found me somewhat........ummm........'un-blow-up-able'. 

ANAKIN: This guy just won't die! Can you explain it Obi-wan? 

OBI-WAN: He's just too darn cool, I guess. 

Obi-wan falls to his knees in prayer... 

OBI-WAN: Oh great and powerful Force, please send us someone powerful enough to defeat Jast...ummm, I mean Boba Fett. 

Suddenly a weird portal opens up in the clear desert sky above Tattooine. A strange-looking silver pod falls to the ground. It opens up, revealing a plethora of bratty-looking children. 

ANAKIN AND OBI-WAN: ??????????????? 

MYSTERIOUS CHILDREN: We're the Solo kids. We've been sent back through time to help you (You know it's only a matter of time before an EU hack author goes there!!!  

OBI-WAN: How can YOU help US? 

SOLO KIDS: Well, we're younger and more unexperienced than anyone else, we're incredibly annoying, and we get kidnapped on a daily basis, yet we somehow manage to implausibly solve every single problem that the grown-ups have in the most incredibly stupid, unlikely fashion imaginable. 

ANAKIN: Oh, I get it....sort of like Wesley Crusher.... 

OBI-WAN: ???? 

SOLO KIDS: ???? 

BOBA FETT: ???? 

ANAKIN: Sorry......... 

SOLO KIDS: Just listen to our song: "Solo baaaabies, they make your dreams come true! Solo baaaabies, they...." 

OBI-WAN: THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!!!! 

BOBA FETT: Helllooooo.....bad guy with blaster over here......... 

OBI-WAN: Okay, Solo Babies, do whatever it is you're going to do.... 

The Solo Babies form a circle around Boba Fett, holding hands. Their tummies begin to glow, ala Care Bears, as they chant softly now..."Solo baaaabies..." 

The Solo Babies are using the power of 'luminous beings' to defeat Boba Fett. The overall utter 'pathetic crappiness' factor of this tactic causes Fett's head to explode, killing him for real this time. 

OBI-WAN: Well, we got rid of Fett, but now we're stuck with these kids... 

ANAKIN: And you thought Jar-Jar was annoying.... 

OBI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this....

EU-pisode II: "Chapter IV: Triocularity Ensues" 

It's a cold, dreary day on Coruscant. PALPATINE is slowly walking home to his apartment after a long fulfilling day of Senate sessions, declaring himself Emperor, oppressing the masses, what have you. 

Palpatine pauses in front of his apartment building. An audible sigh escapes his lips, as he mentally prepares himself for the horror that awaits him at home--Mara Jade, the Palpaclones, the ysalamiri, and Mini-Palp. 

Suddenly a slackerish-looking, Keanu-esque teenager approaches him on the sidewalk. His name: TRIOCULUS. He's dressed in baggy clothing, his shoulder-length hair dyed green, and a backwards ball-cap pulled low over his forehead. 

TRIOCULUS: (in awe) Hey man! Are you like, the Palpadude?.... 

PALPATINE: Excuse me? 

TRIOCULUS: You know, man....the Palpadude....he's only the guy who runs the entire galaxy, duh. I guess you're not him....later, dude. 

PALPATINE: (always the egomaniac) No, no...that's me. I'm the guy who runs the entire galaxy....what do you want from me young man? 

TRIOCULUS: Whoahhhh....this is like, the greatest day in my entire life, dude! I finally get to meet my hero, the Palpadude!!! 

PALPATINE: Actually, it's Palpatine. 

TRIOCULUS: whatever, dude.....anyway, man, I've like worshipped you my whole life. 

PALPATINE: Well.....(fumbles for pen in his cloak) can I sign an autograph for you young man? 

TRIOCULUS: Nah, man.....(steps closer)....I've got something to tell you, man. Something important. 

Trioculus approaches Palpatine even closer. Palpatine, not used to having his 'personal space' invaded like this, takes a step towards the edge of the sidewalk, only to discover that there's a steep dropoff of....let's say....1000 meters. 

TRIOCULUS: No one ever told you what happened to your son..... 

PALPATINE: Actually, I'm pretty sure I don't have a son, but........go on... 

TRIOCULUS: I am your son. 

PALPATINE: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! That's not true!!!! That's impossible!!!!!! 

TRIOCULUS: Allow me to crash at your place for a while ('cause my landlord kicked me out, dude) and together we will rule the apartment building as father and son. 

PALPATINE: Never!!!!....I'll never join you!!!! 

Palpatine steps to the very brink of the precipice. He stares from the horror before him to the chasm below...finally, he steps off the edge of the building and plummets to his certain death below. At the last possible minute, he hits one of those bouncy awning thingies (like in cartoons) and bounces safely to the ground below. 

PALPATINE: Whew....that was close. I'll just have to sneak into my building later tonight. As long as he doesn't know my apartment number, I'll be all right.... 

LATER THAT NIGHT 

INT.Palpatine's apartment. 

The room is dark. The door slowly creaks open as Palpatine carefully sneaks into the apartment. He feels for the light switch, cautiosly turning it on. When the light comes on, he sees Trioculus asleep on his couch holding a half empty bottle of beer with his feet on Palpatine's expensive coffee table. 

TRIOCULUS: Dude, I mean Dad, shut the light, man!!! I'm tryin' to sleep here! 

PALPATINE: How did you get in here?! 

TRIOCULUS: When I told the dude at the desk in the lobby that I was your son, he gave me a key to your apartment. Nice guy--you know, it's the guy with the blue skin and red eyes (looks like he smoked too much weed, man). 

PALPATINE: And I thought that guy had so much evil potential.....(suddenly notices something different about apartment) Where are Mara, the Palpaclones, and Mini-Palp? 

TRIOCULUS: I sent 'em out for a pizza three hours ago man. You wouldn't think it would take all of 'em, but.............say, man that Mara babe is hot! Is she powerful with the Dark Side? 

PALPATINE: Nah.... But you cannot 'crash' here young man. How do I even know that you're my son? 

TRIOCULUS: Well, dude....you remember that family reunion on Naboo eighteen years ago? 

PALPATINE: Uh-oh... 

TRIOCULUS: (whipping off his hat to reveal the 'third eye' on his forehead) Tah-dah!!!!! 

PALPATINE: I knew that was going to come back to haunt me someday... 

TRIOCULUS: Look man....I don't care that you didn't pay child-support all those years, dude.... I mean, I can understand....the lifestyle... 

PALPATINE: (indignant) I'll have you know that was an isolated incident! I spend most of my time devoted to the Sith arts! 

TRIOCULUS: Cool, man! Is that anything like, you know, transindental meditation, or something, dude? Cause I'm down with all that spiritual stuff, man.....it's like.....cool... 

PALPATINE: Sort of... 

In walks MARA JADE followed by the Palpaclones and Mini-Palp. The pizza is noticeably absent. 

TRIOCULUS: Hey babe, where's my pizza? 

MARA JADE: There was..........an incident... 

PALPATINE: (muttering under breath) I don't even want to hear this....(louder now) Well, there's work to be done. I have concocted a new evil plan. But with the untimely death of Darth Zahnderson, I'll have to hire a new Sith apprentice first... 

MARA JADE: Ooh, ooh!...Can I be the new Sith apprenter, Mistah' P? 

PALPATINE: First of all, it's pronounced 'apprentice'. And I'm not sure that you're... 

MARA JADE: Pretty pretty please with sugar on top, Mistah P! I promise I won't do nothin' evil! 

PALPATINE: Actually, Mara, we kind of specialize in evil... 

TRIOCULUS: (interrupting) Whoah...if anyone should be the new Sith apprentice dude, it should be me. I've seen the Matrix, like 80 times, dude...and I know Kung Fu... 

PALPATINE: No you don't. 

TRIOCULUS: ...and I'd put the Sithocity back in Sithitude. I'd be like the most Sithacious Sith lord ever, Dude. On the Sith-o-meter, I'd be like...(trails off into incoherent babbling)... 

PALPATINE: (to self) I suppose I have to choose one of them........ 

Palpatine looks first at Mara Jade, who has somehow managed to get her hair stuck in a ysalamiri's mouth, and then at Trioculus, who stands in the corner giving Mini-Palp a noogie... 

PALPATINE: I have a bad feeling about this....


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 5: The EU-resistable Ladies' Man" 


Tatooine. Owen's moisture farm. Owen and Obi-wan have gone off to Anchorhead to put to rest a local rumor about them being 'brothers'. This leaves Anakin and Amidala all alone in the house...or so they think.... 

They sit together on the couch, staring longingly into each others' eyes. 

ANAKIN: Ami... 

AMIDALA: Annie... 

ANAKIN: Ami... 

AMIDALA: Annie..................is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? 

ANAKIN: That depends..............which pocket are you talking about? 

Anakin yawns and stretches, making his 'move' on the young Queen........ 

AMIDALA: Oh, Anakin... 

Anakin and Amidala start to kiss....when suddenly she recoils in horror. Amidala lets out a high-pitched scream. Sensing her dread, Anakin leaps to his feet, fully lit lightsaber in hand. 

ANAKIN: What is it, Ami?!!!!! 

AMIDALA: Wh...wh...what is that thing?...... 

By the eerie glow of his saber's light, Anakin sees a bratty-looking, snot-nosed, bug-eyed, grubby little kid.... 

ANAKIN: Oh, don't worry, babe. That's just a Solo-baby. (to the kid)Scram, pal... 

He shoves the Solo-baby out of the room and slams the door... 

AMIDALA: A.......Solo-baby?.....what's that? 

ANAKIN: Well that's kind of a long story.....they're these weird creatures that were sent back through time to help out the 'Obster and me during our desert battle against JASTER MEREEL. 

AMIDALA: uh-huh... 

ANAKIN: ...it's kinda funny actually.....you know those Solo-babies are our grandchildren..... 

AMIDALA: uh-huh... 

ANAKIN: ....that means that you and I are....destined to.......'get it on'! 

AMIDALA: How dare you! (she slaps him across the face and runs outside) 

ANAKIN: (yelling after her)...Oh, come on, what is this? Is this another one of your 'headaches'? Maybe if you wouldn't wear those darn headdresses... 

After a moment's consideration Anakin runs out after her. He finds her standing in the courtyard talking to a green-skinned, sleazy-looking individual. His name: PRINCE XIZOR. 

XIZOR: Hellllloooooooo..........a ha ha ha.....a laaaadyyy.....How you doin'? (he stares intently into her eyes, as if waiting for something magical to happen) 

AMIDALA: Fine I guess. Who are you? 

XIZOR: (crestfallen) well....I'm Prince Xizor....and you are?......(staring intently into her eyes again) 

AMIDALA: The name's Amidala. And do you mind not staring at me? It's starting to creep me out, pal. 

XIZOR: (heartbroken) You mean.....you're not....you know.....turned on? 

AMIDALA: By you? (hysterical laughter for about 5 full minutes) Of course not, why would I be? 

XIZOR: I'll have you know that I exude special 'attractant pheremones' that make me irresistable to women! 

AMIDALA: (still laughing) Geezz....you expect me to fall for that....that's the oldest pick-up line in the book. 

XIZOR: (indignant) But it's true......at least I've been told...... 

Anakin steps up to Prince Xizor. 

ANAKIN: What do you want from us? 

XIZOR: Oh, well.....I just need directions to Jabba's Palace. As it turns out, I'm actually the evil mastermind behind a criminal empire that dwarfs Jabba's.... 

ANAKIN: Whatever you say, chief. 

XIZOR: You mean to tell me that you've never heard of.....(dramatic pause)......the 'BLACK SUN'!!!!!!! 

ANAKIN: Sorry, pal. I'm afraid you must have made that up.....what was it again, 'Hack Sun'? 

XIZOR: BLACK sun! BLACK sun! 

AMIDALA: (snickering) Did you say 'Crap Sun'? 

XIZOR: (furious) BLACK sun!!!!! (fighting back tears) Why doesn't anyone ever believe me? 

ANAKIN: Awwww...it's okay buddy. I'm sure you're a real criminal mastermind. So why do you want to see Jabba, anyway? 

XIZOR: I plan to intimidate him with my vastly superior wealth, intellect, and super-duper criminal network.... 

Xizor gestures towards a nearby water vaporator. A host of unimaginative, sci-fi-looking, EU-style aliens is cowering behind it. The group includes some Noghri, Defel, Yuzzum Vong, and the 'beautiful' human replicant Guri... 

ANAKIN: I'm not sure you guys really want to go messin' around in Jabba's palace. You don't look like....(suddenly has change of heart)....no, I'm sure you can handle yourselves. I know--I'll take you there myself. 

AMIDALA: (taking Anakin aside) What are you doing Anakin? Why would you want to go to Jabba's palace? 

ANAKIN: I have a feeling that when these boys get to Jabba's place, a real butt-whooping is gonna go down. Let's just say that it won't be 'Pheremone Boy' who does the whoopin'.... 

AMIDALA: Doesn't the Jedi Code forbid you from taking perverse pleasure out of the suffering of others? 

ANAKIN: I dunno'. You ever tried to read that thing? Geez, it's long.... 

AMIDALA: Good point. 

ANAKIN: Besides, I want this pretty-boy to see how we do things Tatooinian-style... 

Anakin walks over to Xizor, putting his arm around his shoulder.... 

ANAKIN: Xiz, buddy....I think you're gonna love Jabba's place.... 

AMIDALA: I have a bad feeling about this....


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 6: THE 13TH COUNCIL MEMBER--or--THE LONELIEST JEDI" 


INT. Jedi Council chamber. The room has a casual atmosphere, typical of early morning sessions. The various members of the council sit in conversations with each other, ranging from serious to light-hearted... 

MACE: .....so you're tellin' me that on Corellia, they call a bantha-burger with cheese, a "royale with cheese"? 

YODA: Yes. Royale with cheese, they call it. 

MACE: "Royale with cheese!"....and what do they call a bantha steak? 

YODA: Bantha steak, bantha steak is.....but call it "le Bantha steak" they do... 

MACE: Ha, ha, ha!!!!! "Le Bantha Steak"...what do they call a ronto-burger? 

YODA: Know this, I do not. Ronto I did not eat. 

Suddenly in rushes an unkempt, older-looking guy. He's dressed in ill-fitting pseudo-Jedi robes that hang open in the front, revealing his flabby physique. His name: JORUS C'BOATH. 

JORUS: Sorry I'm late guys. I just got back from the praxeum on Wayland... 

MACE: What the heck is a 'praxeum'? 

JORUS: You know, a praxeum....it's a school for Jedis... 

KI-ADI MUNDI: But the Jedi temple is on Coruscant....we all live here, you know. Why would any Jedi live outside of it? 

JORUS: Errr......what was that place I was stayin' at then? Oh, well....anyways I brought you guys some brand-new Jedi Holocrons. 

Jorus reaches into his cloak, bringing out some crappy-looking children's building blocks. 

MACE: What the heck is a 'holocron'? 

JORUS: The holocron stores the collective wisdom of the Jedi order.....it's our most sacred tool... 

MACE: No, it isn't. Yoda, you ever heard of a 'holocron'? 

YODA: Heard of this thing, I have not. 

Jorus has now activated one of the holocrons. A shrimp-like entity emerges, and begins singing: 

SHRIMP-LIKE GUY: A is for ACKBAR, B is for BOBA FETT, C is for CORUSCANT...... 

MACE: Turn that stupid thing off, NOW!!!! (he stares at the would-be Jedi master so intently that he drops the 'holocron' breaking it on the floor.) 

KI-ADI MUNDI: Who are you supposed to be, anyway? I don't recognize you from the temple... 

JORUS: (proudly) I am Jorus C'Boath, Jedi Master and Advisor to Emperor Palpatine. 

MACE: Palpatine is a Sith lord....why the heck would he have a Jedi advisor? 

JORUS: Palpatine is a Sith?.....I always thought he was a 'Dark Jedi'....but let's get down to business. Hey, where's my chair? 

YODA: A chair you do not have. Earn that right, you must. Crappy are your teachings.... 

MACE: Look, there's some folding chairs in the hallway outside--just go get one of those... 

Jorus leaves the room and reenters with a cheap, foldable metal chair. He sets down between Yoda and Ki-Adi. Both exchange glances....Yoda rolls his eyes. 

MACE: I suppose I should enter you in the the sign-in sheet. (pulls out clipboard notebook and pen) What was that name? 

JORUS: Jorus C'Boath. 

MACE: Spell it, sherlock.... 

JORUS: J-O-R-U-S C-apostrophe-.... 

MACE: Whoahh...hold it. What kind of trick are you tryin' to pull. Did you just say 'apostrophe'? 

JORUS: yeahh.... 

MACE: Why the heck would anyone have an apostrophe in the middle of their name? How many people you know with apostrophes in their names? Tell you what......from now on, your new name is Jorus Crappy, Okay? (stares him down). 

JORUS: (gulp)....okay... 

MACE: Okay...let's get down to business...(stares at Jorus fidgeting in his chair) 

YODA: Have something to say, do you, Jorus Crappy? 

JORUS: Well, I think the time has come for us to finally deal with the 'Force Witches of Dathomir'. They've been a scourge on the galaxy for long enough. I feel that.... 

MACE: What the heck is a 'Force Witch of Dathomir'? 

JORUS: It's a society of malevolent women who use the evil power of the dark-side of the Force to create a society where they dominate over men... 

KI-ADI MUNDI: (slowly....in awe) You mean....a society where.....the women dominate the men.... 

YODA: (rolling eyes) Your opinions to yourself will you keep Ki-Adi. Aware of your feelings on this fetish, are we. 

JORUS: Hey, Ki-Adi....good job on that whole mission to Tatooine. Say hello to the 'Dark Woman' for me... 

KI-ADI MUNDI: What are you talking about? 

YODA: (staring at Jorus with increasing anger)...Your butt I will kick... 

JORUS: Let's change the subject.......ummm...I think we should instate a new holiday in honor of Nomi Sunrider, Vima da Boda, Fredon Nadd... 

MACE: Who the heck are these people? 

JORUS: .....they're....our.....greatest, legendary... 

MACE: You're not really a Jedi, are you Jorus Crappy? 

JORUS: My mom thinks I'm cool... 

MACE: Okay, every Jedi in the room, levitate your utility belt....NOW!!!! 

Twelve Jedi utility belts hover eerily in the air. Jorus sits squirming in his chair (looking as if he's having a bowel movement), but try as he might, his home-made utility belt will not leave his waist. The chamber erupts in spontaneous laughter... 

MACE: (suddenly serious) I'm gonna give you 3 seconds to get your butt out of this temple! 

Jorus panics and grabs his metal chair to swing it at Mace, ala professional wrestling. Lightning fast, Mace grabs his wrist and holds him in an iron grip....Jorus drops the chair. 

MACE: (deadly stare) You see that duffel bag under my chair?...it's full of lightsabers. I want you to reach in, pull out my saber and hand it to me... 

JORUS: (gulp)...which one is yours? 

MACE: It's the one that says  on the hilt. 

Jorus hands him the saber...Mace procedes to ignite the saber and slice of Jorus Crappy's head. Blood and gray matter splatter all over the council members... 

MACE: Man....I sliced Jorus Crappy in the face. 

KI-ADI MUNDI: Now the council is all messy... 

YODA: A bad feeling about this do I have....


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 7: It's Hard to Find a Good Superweapon" 

Palpatine's Apartment. The room has been temporarily converted into a strategy-planning center for Palpatine's evil plans. PALPATINE stands in the center of the room next to a large viewscreen that he uses to map out coordinates, etc.... 

Around him, sitting upon various pieces of furniture, are his long-lost son TRIOCULUS (half-asleep on the couch), the four PALPACLONES, MINI-PALP, and the dense but lovely MARA JADE. Mara is having a hard time paying attention....she insists on feeding her pet ysalamiri table scraps left over from dinner... 

PALPATINE: MARA!!!! Would you please stop playing around with that thing and pay ATTENTION!!! 

MARA: Sorry, mistah P'!....ain't he cute, though? 

PALPATINE: (through clenched teeth)grrrr.......yes........he's wonderful... 

Palpatine withdraws a small, sinister-looking metal cylindrical object from his robes. It's surface is etched with creepy Sith heiroglyphics. He holds it aloft, aiming it towards the screen...and pushes the ignitor on the hilt...but nothing happens. 

PALPATINE: Curses!!! My laser-pointer is out of batteries. (sigh)....I guess I'll have to go borrow some from Larry down the hall.....Okay I'm warning you guys for the last time...no funny stuff while I'm gone. 

Palpatine exits. 

TRIOCULUS: Dude....I'm having such a hard time paying attention to this stuff....what was that he was saying about 'forseeing the downfall of the Republic'......man, that dude can be boring sometimes... 

MARA: (blankly)...yeah... 

TRIOCULUS: Not to mention mean. Why's he always so testy, babe? 

MARA: (blankly)....I dunno'... 

TRIOCULUS: I think it must have somethin' to do with all the stress he's under...if he just took a little break from bein' evil...just for one day, dude..... 

MARA: (blankly).....yeah... 

TRIOCULUS: DUDE!!!!!I KNOW WHAT WOULD CHEER THAT DUDE UP!!!!!....... 

MARA: (blankly)....what is it Mistah T'? 

TRIOCULUS: Did you just call me Mister T? That dude is aaaawesome!!!!!!....with all his jewelry....and his (does bad Mr. T impersonation) "I PITY THE FOOL!!!"....he's like, cool, man... 

MARA: ...you were sayin' Mistah T'? 

TRIOCULUS: ....oh yeah.....wait, where was I, dude?.......OH YEAH!!!!...Do you ever watch professional wrestling, babe? 

MARA: (blankly).....sometimes.....I like the pretty fireworks.....(more seriously now) AND the compelling storylines... 

TRIOCULUS: I KNOW, dude!!!! Did you watch last week when that one dude picked up the metal chair and... 

MARA: (wearily)...what's your point, Mistah' T? 

TRIOCULUS: What the Palp-Daddy needs is an entrance theme, you know? 

MARA: (blankly)...a what? 

TRIOCULUS: You know dude, like it's like this totally rockin' music that plays whenever a wrestler enters the arena...it pumps up the crowd....and it like, tells ya all about the dude.......We can get a cool entrance theme to play whenever the Palpster comes into a room... 

MARA: YEAH!!!!! That's a great idea...what should his music be? 

TRIOCULUS: I KNOW!!!!! Be back in a minute babe.... 

Trioculus runs off to his room in Palpatine's apartment.....a small broom closet. He reenters with a portable CD-player and one CD (or whatever the SW equivalent is.....you EU fans probably know  and hooks it up to Palpatine's massive state-of-the-art speaker system. 

MARA: Oooh, oooh!!!!! What is it Mistah T'? Can I hear it?!!! Pretty pretty pretty please with sugar on top!!!! 

TRIOCULUS: No babe...I want it to be like, a surprise. Big Daddy-Palp will be back in a minute babe...so just chill, 'kay? 

MARA: (pouting)....I guess.... 

Palpatine walks back to his apartment, muttering something derrogatory (and evil...always with the evil) about his neighbor Larry across the hall. The moment he opens the door he's bombarded with the deafening sound of AC-DC's "BACK IN BLACK"....it shocks him so much that he drops his Sith-pointer on the ground, breaking it. 

PALPATINE: (barely audible over music) TURN OFF THIS INFERNAL RACKET!!!!!!! 

TRIOCULUS: Dude....what are you talking about dude? This song ROCKS!!!! 

Though (as everyone knows) the song does indeed rock, Palpatine isn't pleased. He sends a jolt of Force lightning into the speaker system, destroying it. 

TRIOCULUS: Dude...that was heinous!!!! What am I supposed to do all day now? 

PALPATINE: (furious) Oh, I don't know!!!....Maybe you could try...GETTING A JOB!!! 

TRIOCULUS: (laughing) Good one, dude.....(sadder now) I'll just try to forget about all those years with no father-figure in my life..... 

PALPATINE: (very reluctantly)...I'm.....sorry, son....it's just that now I'll have a harder time telling you you about my new plan for galactic-wide conquest. I had pretty pictures drawn up with bright colors and everything.... 

TRIOCULUS: Dude, just tell us, man...do ya think we'll really have that hard of a time understanding, man? 

PALPATINE: (looking at the others, but not mentioning the obvious) Okay. Here it is: I plan to devote all of my vast wealth and influence, plus my fiendish Sith know-how to create a massive well-oiled Imperial machine capable of taking over the galaxy. I'll have a huge fleet, legions upon legions of soldiers, and to top it all off, the crowning achievement and pinnacle of my hard work: THE DEATH STAR!!!!!! 

TRIOCULUS: (snickering)...whatever dude.... 

PALPATINE: (ignoring his son, caught up in his own reverie) I figure that it will take years of hard work to create such a machine...but the number 1 virtue of the Sith has always been...patience. 

TRIOCULUS: Dude...that sounds lame, dude.....you're doin' it the hard way, man...why don't ya just go down to "Superweapons 'R' Us" and buy a whole load of superweapons? 

PALPATINE: (surprised) Superweapons 'R' Us? 

TRIOCULUS: You know dude....it's down on the corner of Crap Street and Vong drive...I bought my girlfriend Tiffany a 'Sun-Crusher' there just last Boonta Eve... 

PALPATINE: Well that does have a certain overly-convenient, craptacular appeal to it.......wouldn't it kinda ruin my whole 'Death Star as ultimate technological terror in the galaxy' vibe, though? 

TRIOCULUS: ....you're thinkin' about this too much, dude.....you need to just do stuff without thinkin' too much about the...you know... 

PALPATINE: ...ramifications? 

TRIOCULUS: Yeah!!!...dude, You need to do stuff without thinkin' too much about the ramifications. What harm could it do to go down to Superweapons 'R' Us and buy an load of Superweapons, dude? 

PALPATINE: I don't know... 

TRIOCULUS: Dude, come on, man! I'll go down there with ya' and we'll bring Mara, too....come on, man......just make sure you don't get swindled by the salesman,dude...some of the used superweapons don't quite work like they're supposed too.... 

PALPATINE: I have a bad feeling about this.....


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 8: The Miseducation of Prince Sleazor" 


Tatooine. Jabba's Palace. The cavernous entry-hall is dark and musty. It's filled with a collection of vile and creepy creatures. Prince Xizor and co., having just gained entry to the palace, are cautiously venturing ever deeper into the place. Anakin Skywalker follows. 

ANAKIN: Well...here we are Sleazor. What do ya think of the place? 

XIZOR: XIZOR!!!!!! My name is XIZOR!!!!!!!....I'm warning you for the last time!!!! 

ANAKIN: Ooooohhhh.....wouldn't want ya to use those 'pheremones' on me...... 

XIZOR: Shut up! 

ANAKIN: Look, I'm native to this planet, so I'd better warn you about a few things....first of all, you see those aliens over there, you know, the ones with the..... 

XIZOR: I certainly don't need your help dealing with these people, young man! I'll have you know that I've purchased an extremely reliable 'guide-book' that will help me deal with these ruffians. I shall use the crappy information within to gain their trust, and then, when they least expect it....BANG! They'll feel the wrath of.....(dramatic pause).......'THE BLACK SUN'!!!! 

ANAKIN: Okay, Xiz, whatever you say, buddy.....(under breath) I can't wait to see this... 

Xizor reaches into his robes and pulls out a very weather-beaten, crappy-looking book. He holds it in his hand so that Anakin can't quite make out the title. He can only see the first part of it..."Tales from Ja..." 

Xizor places some adorable little reading spectacles on his face, opens the book to a particular chapter, and then walks over to.........Jabba's pet frog-dog. 

He stoops over the animal and procedes to initiate conversation with it (looking periodically in the book)... 

XIZOR: Hmmmm....well....even though you appear to be an animal, I know that you are in actuality a super-intelligent entity trapped within the body of a frog-dog. Greetings, my friend! You're the only one in this palace who can possibly match my superior intellect... 

FROG-DOG: Braaaaawwwwwwp!!!!!!!! 

XIZOR: Hmmm......I'm afraid I don't speak your language my friend. I'm sure that was a greeting of some kind, so........Braaaaaawwwwwp to you too! 

FROG-DOG: Braaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwpppp!!!!!!! 

XIZOR: Yes, I know, my criminal network is quite impressive, is it not? 

FROG-DOG: Braaaaaaaawwwwwwwpp!!!!!! (it snags a nearby sand-slug with its tongue and swallows it whole) 

XIZOR: (taken aback) I'm not sure what you........oh, wait I get it (forced laughter)...you're joking around with me....ha, ha, ha! You're quite the comic genius my friend! 

Jabba's pet frog-dog procedes to hike his leg, peeing on Prince Xizor's pants.... 

XIZOR: How dare you!!!!! 

The frog-dog bares its teeth, causing Xizor to run away like a small girl.... 

Anakin bursts out into laughter, walks over to the frog-dog, and pats it on the head. 

Meanwhile, Xizor has walked over to a table in the center of Jabba's dining-hall. He approaches a table full of three-eyed, goat-like aliens... 

XIZOR: Greetings, my Gran friends! 

ONE OF THE ALIENS: (angrily) Did you just call me 'Fran'?...you wanna piece of me, pal?!!! (whips out a wicked-looking knife) 

XIZOR: (taken aback)...you are a 'Gran' from 'Kinyen', are you not? 

ALIEN: Look pal....I come from Malastare...never even heard of this 'Kinyen' place...is that anywhere near Crapooine? 

The alien advances on Xizor, brandishing his knife... 

XIZOR: Oh, my!!! (backing up) 

Anakin saves the day... 

ANAKIN: (to three-eyed alien) Hey! did you catch the Boonta Classic Podrace a couple of weeks ago....man, that was a close one! 

ALIEN: Yeah....say, are you THE Anakin Skywalker? It's a pleasure to meet you son. You're my favorite human. 

XIZOR: Podracing.....what's podracing? 

ALIEN: HEY!!!! There's nothing we take more seriously than podracing!!! You're a goner!!!(advances on Xizor) 

ANAKIN: (stepping between them) Awwwww....let him go buddy.....he used to eat a lot of paint chips as a kid! 

Anakin and the Malastarians have a good hearty laugh at Xizor's expense. Xizor now runs off to talk to someone else....he pauses in front of a group of Weequay body-guards near the door. He addresses the nearest of the Weequays... 

XIZOR: Hey Weequay!!! 

ANAKIN: (grabbing Xizor, and pulling him aside) Geezz...what are you? Some kind of racist? 

XIZOR: I'm afraid I don't understand... 

ANAKIN: You just called that guy by his race. I'm sure he has a name. How would you like to be called by your race? 

XIZOR: But........(embarassed).....my book says....(lower now)...it says that all Weequays are named Weequay and they live on the planet Weequay and they worship a god called Weequay and they eat Weequay food and play Weequay games and sing the 'Weequay Song' all day long.... 

ANAKIN: (laughing) You'll fall for anything, won't ya, pal? Now how could a society function if everyone had the same name? 

XIZOR: But my book says.....it says....oh never mind! (storms off in a huff) 

Xizor suddenly sees a tall, thin individual sitting alone in a dark corner. He rushes over to the being's table, opening his book to a dog-eared page. Anakin follows... 

XIZOR: You must be 'Dannik Jericho'!!!! It's a pleasure to finally meet you!!!! I've been a fan of your work for so long.... 

Xizor extends his hand for a handshake, but the mysterious stranger doesn't even acknowledge that he's there. 

ANAKIN: I don't think he's gonna shake your hand, Xiz...he obviously wants to be left alone... 

XIZOR: But...you don't understand. This guy with the funny-looking nose is actually the galaxy-famous assassin DANNIK JERICHO!!! It's not every day that you get to meet a 4,000-year old vampire who uses his.... 

ANAKIN: (raucously laughing)....4000 years old!!! Hahahahahhahaha!!!!!....geez, that would kinda ruin Master Yoda, if it were true... 

XIZOR: But, I don't understand. The book says... 

ANAKIN: (still laughing)...VAMPIRE!!!!! Where do ya think we are, Transylvania? Come, on pal... 

Anakin grabs Xizor's arm and pulls him away. Xizor accidentally bumps into an odd-looking object....a mysterious murky jar sitting atop a spidery-looking walker. He recoils in terror at the very touch of the thing.... 

XIZOR: AHHHHHH!!!!....get that thing away from me.....it's a B..B...'B'MORR MONK'!!!!! Ewwww!!!! 

ANAKIN: Did you just say 'Bummer Monkey'? 

XIZOR: (shaking with fear) Surely you've heard of the ancient, mysterious B'Morr Monks, who place their disembodied brains into jars...for the purpose of....something....(fumbles through book, but can't figure it out)....well...they do it for some reason, that's for sure! 

Curious, Anakin walks over to the contraption. He stares down at the thing for a moment. He suddenly flips open the top lid of the jar, much to Xizor's horror and disgust. He reaches his arm down into the jar, fishing around inside for a moment...before pulling out......some nachos. 

ANAKIN: (popping the nachos into his mouth one-by-one)Mmmmmmmmmm......these nachos is tasty!!!....Jabba sure knows how to throw a party!!!! (Talking with mouth full)...what was that brain stuff you were sayin'. You remember, it sounded like a bad episode of the 'Twilight Zone'. 

Xizor is feeling too queasy to reply. 

ANAKIN: Mmmmmm.....now all I need to do is find the beer droid!!! 

He looks around for a second before spotting another nearby spider-walker droid... 

ANAKIN: HEY BEER DROID!!!!! Come over here! I feel like a cold one! 

Anakin takes a beer from the beer droid and downs it in one gulp. 

ANAKIN: Hey, Sleazor! You want a beer? 

Xizor nearly feints, but Anakin rushes over to steady him... 

ANAKIN: Come on, we're almost to Jabba's chamber, now... 

En route to Jabba's audience chamber, Xizor stops to tell Anakin about a nearby slug attached to the palace wall. He claims that the slug is actually yet another super-intelligent being that looks like a small animal....Anakin humors him. As soon as Xizor turns his back, Anakin feeds the slug a leftover nacho... 

ANAKIN: Here, sluggy.......nice sluggy.... 

Xizor has now stopped near a Rodian who is leaning drunkenly against the wall. 

XIZOR: Excuse me, my 13-year old friend. Could you tell me how to reach Jabba's dais? 

GREEDO slowly turns his dim-witted head towards the good Prince, but is too drunk to reply... 

ANAKIN: 13 years old?!!!! Bwaahahahahaha!!!! Geez, Xiz, are you an idiot? This is Greedo. I kicked his butt in a fight 10 years ago, and he was 12 years old then, so that would make him.... 

XIZOR: But he wasn't even born then! That must have been another Rodian. Everyone knows that Greedo was an exile who grew up on the mean streets of 'Nar Shadda'... 

ANAKIN: 'Nar Shadda'? Is this another one of your made up places, pal? 

Xizor ignores Anakin, as he notices the band playing upon the stage... 

XIZOR: Why look!!!!...it's Sy Snootles! And Droopy McCool!!!! And....Oh my God!....It's Max Rebo!!!!!!!!! I'm a huge fan of these guys! But where's Edvar Orbus? 

ANAKIN: (puzzled) Didn't you leave out some people? You didn't even mention the lead singer. Or the drummers. Or the little harmonica-lizard.....And my god, man...you forgot the babes! 

XIZOR: (doubtfully eyeing his guide-book) The crappy bios in this thing must have been published before the Special Edi..... 

He is cut off by the sound of of deep rumbling laughter. The curtain is thrown back, revealing, in all his glory--JABBA THE HUTT!!!! 

JABBA: (staring down at Xizor) BOOOOSHUDDAAAHHH!!!! 

Xizor is so nervous that he urinates in his pants. 

XIZOR: I...have....a....b...b...b....baaaaad feeling about this..........


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 9: Night of a Million-Zillion Noghri" 


Try as they might, OBI-WAN and OWEN LARS could not seem to convince the people of Anchorhead that they weren't brothers. So now they've decided to head off to the Mos Eisley Cantina (where every single event that ever takes place in the SW galaxy occurs, as we all know) for a little R&R. They are joined by Queen Amidala's lovely handmaiden, SABE........ 

OBI-WAN: ......so me and Anakin took those things out into the middle of the Dune Sea and ditched 'em there. We told 'em we were goin' for a 'speeder ride', so they came along willingly. Damn thing is.....they somehow managed to follow us right back to your place.... 

OWEN: OBI-WAN!!! Once your house is infested with Solo-babies there's nothing you can do, 'cept move out!!!!! 

OBI-WAN: Look...it's not my fault! 

OWEN: Hell.....I may have to hold this against you for the rest of your life, buddy.... 

OBI-WAN: Naahhh...no one can hold a grudge for that long... 

SABE: Excuse me, boys, I'm gonna go to the young handmaiden's room... 

The beautiful young Sabe disappears into the back of the bar. 

OWEN: Damn......that girl is one fine piece of a**! 

OBI-WAN: OWEN!!!!! How dare you talk about her like that! 

OWEN: Sorry.....it's just that it's been a while since Beru and I......you know...... 

OBI-WAN: I don't really want to know. 

OWEN: So, have you and her.....you know... 

OBI-WAN: nah.....one time I walked in on Anakin and Sabe in the cargo hold of the Queen's ship, though......he claimed he thought it was Amidala. 

OWEN: Really? 

OBI-WAN: Turns out he has this routine with all the handmaidens..... 

OWEN: Anakin just became my personal hero.... 

OBI-WAN: You know, during the course of this war, he has defeated thousands of enemies single-handedly, broken all the records for fighter-pilot combat, defeated 10 of Sidious's Sith Lords in a row,.....and he also happens to be our Chosen One... 

OWEN: Look, all that stuff is cool and everything, I'm just saying that what I really admire about the boy is...... 

He is cut off, as a dozen small, gray-skinned, puny aliens walk into the bar....they seem to be in a fighting mood, as they head straight for Obi-wan and Owen... 

NOGHRI LEADER: (in high-pitched, squeaky voice) Hey, you......Jedi!!!!! 

OBI-WAN: You talkin' to me? 

NOGHRI LEADER: We've been sent here by GRAND ADMIRAL THRAWN to kill you!!!!!! Prepare to die!!!! 

All twelve of the Noghri simultaneously jump Obi-wan. Within 1.5 seconds, eleven of the Noghri have been sliced and diced into nice little cubes on the bar-room floor. Obi-wan allows the leader to live, holding him by his scrawny neck... 

OBI-WAN: (angrily) I don't care if you've been sent here by Grand Admiral Steve, Grand Admiral Paul, or even Grand Admiral Todd......I'm gonna give you one second to get out of this bar! 

Obi-wan drops the Noghri, and the little guy makes a bee-line for the door... 

OBI-WAN: So what were we talkin' about? Oh yeah...Anakin. Did you know that he's slept with every female member of the Jedi Council? 

OWEN: Can't blame him for that...you guys have some hot chicks on that Council.....WAIT A MINUTE!!!!....He even slept with YADDLE????!!!!!!! 

OBI-WAN: He was pretty drunk that night... 

Obi-wan is cut off once again as two dozen Noghri reenter the cantina, alongside their leader. 

NOGHRI LEADER: You have disgraced the honor of the Noghri!!!!! Prepare to Die!!!!!! 

OBI-WAN: 'Noghri'....what kind of a crap name is that? (pauses for a moment to reflect on the situation)......you know what would be the perfect name for you guys? WIMPRY!!!! 

NOGHRI LEADER: How dare you! 

OBI-WAN: Oh, I dare buddy...let's see...it took me under 2 seconds to beat your a**es last time, but now I'm warmed-up! Bring it on 'wimpry'!!! 

All 24 of the Noghri (plus leader) jump Obi-wan again. This time Obi-wan makes all 24 of them into julienne strips in about 1 second. He once again holds the leader and says... 

OBI-WAN: Leave this cantina now, and never come back.... 

The 'wimpri' leaves the cantina, slinking out like a whipped dog.... 

OBI-WAN: yeah...I remember that night....Anakin used his awesome Force powers to create the so-called 'ultimate drink'.....What did he call that thing again?....Oh yeah! It was a 'Midichlorian Whirlwind'! 

Now the Noghri leader reenters the cantina with 48 Noghri commandoes by his side... 

NOGHRI LEADER: You've disgraced us for the last time, Jedi!!! 

The Noghri begin to flip and leap about the cantina, pausing every few seconds to do 'Martial Arts Voguing' (like so many little gray Power Rangers). 

NOGHRI LEADER: Our martial arts make us the unbeatable servants of the Lord Darth Vader!!!! 

OBI-WAN: Who? 

NOGHRI LEADER: You know, the Great Lord Darth Vader....he's our supreme God and Master. 

OBI-WAN: Never heard of him. 

NOGHRI LEADER: His real name is Anakin Skywalker...he came to us 10 years ago to claim leadership of our people. 

OBI-WAN: Afraid you must be mistaken...ten years ago, Anakin was just a wee little tyke on this planet. Who gives you guys your info, anyways? 

NOGHRI LEADER: Get him boys! 

48 Noghris leap upon the daring young Jedi Knight...48 Noghris fall dead on the floor, perfectly hacked into 'Noghri-nuggets'... 

OBI-WAN: (yawns) Look I'm getting tired of this...I'm gonna go off to the Little Jedi's Room....I think you can handle the situation while I'm gone, Owen. 

OWEN: No problem... 

While Obi-wan is away, a new horde of Noghri swarm into the bar... 

OWEN: Don't you guys ever give up? 

NOGHRI LEADER: No...we're a fearsome alien race that adheres to a strict honor code. 

OWEN: Oh, I see......kinda like Klingons... 

The music in the cantina comes to a sudden stop. All eyes are on Owen... 

OWEN: Sorry... 

The music resumes; everyone goes back to what they're doing... 

NOGHRI LEADER: Seize that moisture-farmer!!!! 

The Noghris attempt to give Owen the 'bum's rush' but the wily farmer proves to much for them. Even his simple fist-fighting tactics overwhelm the pathetic 'wimpris'... 

Sabe reenters from the back of the bar. 100 more Noghri enter, brandishing so-called 'Stolkhi-Sticks'... 

OWEN: Hey, Sabe. You mind takin' over for me. I'd better head home. I've got to get up early tomorrow.......what was I gonna do tomorrow?....Oh yeah! Farm some moisture! 

Owen exits. Sabe squares off against the horde of Noghri. 

The Noghri simultaneously fire their Stolkhi Sticks, coating her in silly string... 

SABE: (laughing) Hey, guys....this stuff can be toxic if small children ingest it. (wipes the goop off her dress). 

Sabe procedes to slap each Noghri across the face. This kills the fragile little darlings. Only the leader remains... 

NOGHRI LEADER: (pulls blaster from his jacket) Ah-hah!!!.....(points it at her)....now I have you just where I want you! 

The Noghri leader is just about to fire his blaster when he sees Obi-wan enter from the back, while Owen comes back through the front door to get his speeder-keys back from Sabe. 

The Noghri leader moves closer to Sabe, putting his blaster against her neck... 

NOGHRI LEADER: Okay...nobody move or I'll blow her brains out! 

The Noghri leader walks Sabe outside into the desert night-air... 

NOGHRI LEADER: I'll take that... 

He swipes Sabe's purse. 

NOGHRI LEADER: (backing away) If you want this back....meet me at Beggar's Canyon day-after-tomorrow. Come alone. 

SABE: Why? 

NOGHRI LEADER: Listen....it's just somethin' a bad guy would say, okay? I can't be bothered to come up with plans that 'make sense'....geez, that would take some actual thought... 

The noghri runs off into the night with Sabe's purse. Sabe is joined by Owen and Obi-wan. 

OWEN: Whatever happened to their strict 'honor code'? 

OBI-WAN: Guess they can contradict that whenever they feel like it....you wouldn't think....(he trails off into thought) 

SABE: Awwww.....I really liked that purse......I have a bad feeling about this.....


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 10: Superweapons 'R' Us" 


PALPATINE, TRIOCULUS, and MARA JADE stand in the parking lot in front of a large, ugly green warehouse. They've just traveled via air-taxi to the corner of Crap Street and Vong Drive, to the delapidated used Superweapon dealership known throughout the city as..."Superweapons 'R' Us"... 

PALPATINE: (very serious) Look....when we go in here, you guys need to let me do all of the talking. It's very important that I get the most bang for my buck in this place. 

TRIOCULUS: You can count on us dude. I'll just, like, try to blank out my mind so that I won't cause any trouble... 

MARA: (blankly) I don't even have to try... 

PALPATINE: Good....well, let's go in. 

The three villains (more like 2--since Trioculus and Mara are both half-wits) enter the warehouse. They find the atmosphere disconcerting. The lobby is full of ferns, with crappy EU-levator music playing annoyingly in the background. The salesman, a pudgy Toydarian named WALDO hovers over to them. 

WALDO: Hellooooo....whata can I do for you, folks? 

PALPATINE: I'm the richest, most powerful being in the galaxy. I have a sinister plan that involves taking over the Republic, oppressing the masses, and discriminating against all alien races. To that end, I've come to purchase your finest superweapons. 

WALDO: Hmmmmm....I see. This plan wouldn't happen to involve anything........illegal, would it? 

PALPATINE: (laughing) Don't worry. I will make it legal. 

WALDO: (suspiciously) Isn't that Darth Sidious's catch-phrase? You look sort of similar.... 

PALPATINE: Uh-oh..... 

TRIOCULUS: (thinking fast, relatively speaking that is) Dude!.....Everyone knows that Darth Sidious and Palpatine are clones, man.... 

PALPATINE: (to self) I get so tired of that theory, sometimes.....(to Waldo) Yes, my blue friend. Everyone knows that Sidious is my evil clone. 

WALDO: Good, good....We just like to make sure that none of our Superweapons fall into evil hands. 

PALPATINE: (gulp) We wouldn't want that, now would we? 

WALDO: Come on, we'll take a shuttle up to the lot in orbit around Coruscant (didn't think there'd actually be moon-sized superweapons in the warehouse, did ya  

They take Waldo's shuttle up to the vast space-lot in orbit above Coruscant. The shuttle first comes across a vast fleet of small, crappy-looking armored ships, otherwise known as SUN-CRUSHERS.... 

TRIOCULUS: Dude!!!! These things are righteous, man!!!!! They're tiny little fighters that can somehow withstand any type of punishment: blaster-fire, proton torpedoes, supernovas, even.....pigeon-crap. 

PALPATINE: Hmmmmmm.......what I don't get is, if you can put this superarmor on these things, why don't they just put it on every ship in the galaxy? 

WALDO: Say....that's a pretty good idea. 

PALPATINE: (blushing) Awwww....I'm sure you would have thought of it eventually..... 

WALDO: So, whata do you thinko, my friend? You wanta to take it for a spin? 

PALPATINE: Okay... 

The shuttle docks with one of the Sun-Crushers and Palpatine climbs into the cock-pit. He communicates with the others through a comm-link. 

WALDO: Okay, now the first thing you'll want to do is fire the "Super-Duper Torpedo". 

PALPATINE: What's that do? 

WALDO: It can destroy not just a planet, but an entire solar system! 

PALPATINE: WOW!!!!!!! That could come in handy in all types of situations!!!! 

WALDO: Okay, now just aim the sights for the first star you can see in the sky....then squeeze the trigger and you can blow it up! 

Palpatine, remembering his star-charts, wickedly aims his sights for a particular star-system--Toydaria. 

The sun-crusher launches it's super-duper missle off to Toydaria. Somehow, even though the light from stars actually takes millions of years to reach a distant observation point, he sees the star 'splode. 

WALDO: Good shot!!!!!!You're a real natural at this stuff!!!! 

PALPATINE: (to self) You won't think it was such a 'good' shot when you try to go back to your home-world to see your folks..... 

WALDO: Okay, now.......HEY!!! 

Waldo yells suddenly at Mara Jade, who has just thrown a lit cigarette out of the air-lock... 

WALDO: You stupid girlo!!!! 

The cigarette drifts through the vacuum of space until its lit end settles against the hull of the Sun-Crusher. Somehow, even though it's impossible to have fire in the vacuum of space, the lit cigarette burns straight through the Sun-Crusher's hull.... 

PALPATINE: HEYYY......What kinda junk are you tryin' to sell me?!!!! 

WALDO: (thinking fast) Ohhh......well when we add the 'Quantum Paint' and 'Quantum Turtle Wax' (each sold separately) that kind of stuffo won't happen any more..... 

PALPATINE: grrr.....it better not. 

Palpatine leaves the Sun-Crusher and reenters Waldo's shuttle. 

WALDO: Well....what do you thinko? 

PALPATINE: I guess I'll take 100 of 'em. 

WALDO: Very well....that will be... 

PALPATINE: You'd better just wait until I've got everything I need on my list before you give me the price. 

WALDO: As you wisho..... 

PALPATINE: Note to Self: from this day forward, have everyone address you with the words "As You Wish" 

The shuttle now travels over to some immense dark Star Destroyers (even though they haven't been invented yet--go figure  known as ECLIPSE CLASS SUPER STAR-DESTROYERS. 

PALPATINE: And what do these do? 

WALDO: Oh.....well they can crack a planet's crust through the use of a giant turbolaser. 

PALPATINE: Hmmmmmm....... 

WALDO: And house entire fleets and armies... 

PALPATINE: Hmmmmm..... 

WALDO: Well.......let's go aboard one of 'em. 

They dock at one of the ECSSD's and step off into the hangar. They move from room to room, Palpatine critically eyeing every inch of the ship... 

PALPATINE: Well...I can't say that I'm overly impressed with this thing. One of the toilets wouldn't flush properly--I had to jiggle the handle. And the linoleum on the bridge is starting to peel... 

WALDO: Well....it does come with basic holo-cable... 

TRIOCULUS: DUDE!!!! We'll take 500 of 'em!!! 

WALDO: (quickly) It's a deal!!! 

PALPATINE: You idiot!!!!! The reason I don't have a television in my apartment is so that you imbeciles can enrich your life by reading ancient Sith teachings!!!! 

MARA: We just go over to Larry's and watch the Sith-channel on his viewscreen during the day... 

PALPATINE: Oooohhh....the Sith Channel. Is that any good? 

TRIOCULUS: It's okay I guess, dude. It kinda creeps me out though, man. Now the Jedi channel, that's pretty cool.... 

PALPATINE: What!!!! I won't have a son of mine watching the JEDI CHANNEL!!!!! 

WALDO: (breaking up this pivotal moment between father and son) Let's go over to the far side of the lot. I've got some stuff that might interest you.... 

The shuttle comes to rest before an immense group of WORLD DEVESTATORS. 

WALDO: Now....each World Devestator is uniquely crappy in design. They're capable of ravaging entire planets, and then breaking up the raw materials to recycle them as industrial products. 

PALPATINE: How environmentally-sensitive of you... 

WALDO: We try to do our part. Recycling makes the galaxy a better place. Okayo, let's go aboard one of these things. 

They dock at the World Devestator and start the tour. They stop before a large heavy double-door marked with a skull-and-crossbones warning lable... 

MARA: Ooooohhh....what's in that room? 

She reaches for the door-handle, but Waldo swoops in front of her, stopping her at the last minute. 

WALDO: Stupid girlo!!!!! Can't you see that this is the black-hole room?!!! If you had opened that door we'd all be deado right about now!! 

PALPATINE: (skeptically) You mean to tell me that there is actually a black-hole inside of that room? 

WALDO: Yeah.....it's what powers the WD. Wasn't that a cool design-idea? 

PALPATINE: Actually, I'm pretty sure that you can't self-contain an entire black-hole inside a single room.... 

WALDO: Sure you can! 

PALPATINE: But the laws of physics, common sense, and decency would seem to preclude.... 

WALDO: Bahhhh......those things are over-rated. Look you want some World Devestators or not? 

PALPATINE: I guess.... 

TRIOCULUS: We'll take 1000, little fly-dude!!! 

PALPATINE: You idiot!!!!....What did I tell you before we came here!!!! 

TRIOCULUS: I'm sorry Big Daddy-Palp... 

PALPATINE: I've told you for the last time...STOP CALLING ME THAT!!! 

TRIOCULUS: (sad) Okay, dude...I'll just be over here thinkin' about all those years when it was just me and mom... 

PALPATINE: (reluctantly) Sorry, son....this whole fatherhood thing is new to me....if I could only find some way to make it, well, Evil...I might be more comfortable with it... 

TRIOCULUS: I know, dude...tomorrow we spit loogies off your balcony onto the people below, dude (snickering) it'll be sooooo awesome.... 

PALPATINE: I'm not sure I'd call that Evil, but....okay, if that's what you wanna do, we'll do it, son. 

WALDO: Hellooo....can we go ono with the saleo now? 

PALPATINE: Okay...what else ya got? 

WALDO: Ahhh....now this one is a real beauty. I call it the "DEATH STAR PROTOTYPE". 

PALPATINE: Trioculus!!!! You idiot!!!! You sold my plans to this guy!!!! 

TRIOCULUS: Awww....I'm sorry, man...I needed money for beer, and weed, dude... 

PALPATINE: Ohhhh....you......you know I can't stay mad at you for long, son. 

He looks at the Death Star for a moment.... 

PALPATINE: Nothing makes me angrier than the stealing of my Death Star plans! Hey....wait a minute, why don't you just go ahead and finish this thing? 

WALDO: It's a prototypo.... 

PALPATINE: Yes, but couldn't you just, you know...go ahead and finish the thing? 

WALDO: Say.....not a bad ideao. You're pretty smart, for a human. 

PALPATINE: (blushing) Well.....I try... 

WALDO: But, no time for that now...Do you want this thingo or noto? 

PALPATINE: I guess I'll take it, but I'm not happy about this situation... 

WALDO: Good, let's see....you had 100 sun-crushers, 500 ECSSD's, 1000 World Devestators, and one Death Star Prototype.......you know, you'd love our GALAXY GUN....but we just sold the last one last Tuesday.. 

PALPATINE: What's a Galaxy Gun? 

WALDO: As it turns out, it's a gun actually capable of firing a projectile all the way across the entire galaxy! Wild stuffo!!! 

PALPATINE: Sounds nifty... 

WALDO: Well.......as it turns out, I happen to have a MINI GALAXY PISTOL.....you can have it for a low, low Crazy-Waldo priceo... 

He produces a tiny silver pistol, the size that would fit in your palm. 

PALPATINE: (doubtfully) You mean....this thing can fire a projectile all the way across the galaxy? 

WALDO: That's why they call it a Galaxy Pistol...but you only get one shoto with this thingo, so make it count, okay? 

PALPATINE: Okay......so how much will all this stuff be? 

WALDO: Let's see.....(adding on calculator)...the total comes out to 10000000000000000000000000000000000 Republic Credits. 

PALPATINE: (through clenched teeth).....that's....quite a bit....of money... 

WALDO: Tell you what, if it will put you in this Super-Fleet today, I'll throw in all the s'elf-destruct buttons' for all the ships.....for 100 bucks... 

TRIOCULUS: We'll take it!!! 

PALPATINE: Son!!!! I was thinking about not going with the Self-Destruct Buttons this time.... 

TRIOCULUS: Dude!!!...you can't beat that price dude....Do you know how much self-destruct buttons usually cost? 

PALPATINE: .......okay.....we'll take it. Are you sure that Republic Credits are good here? 

WALDO: Sure....of course they are... 

Palpatine surveys his entire newly acquired Superweapon Fleet......it looks a bit run-down. He begins to think he may have paid a bit too much. 

PALPATINE: I have a super-bad feeling about this............


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 11: Return of the Crappy Clone" 

Jedi Council Chamber. The council members sit in quiet discussion. Those members who were splattered by blood from the decapitation of JORUS C'BOATH are now wearing clean, fresh replacement-robes. 

All except YODA and MACE WINDU that is. Their replacement robes were apparently lost at the dry-cleaners, forcing these two to result to wearing ill-fitting, nerdy Star Trek T-shirts in the meantime.... 

MACE WINDU: (shocked)....so you're tellin' me "Size matters not"? 

YODA: Mm-hmm. An ancient myth that is. 

KI-ADI MUNDI: Really? 'Cause just the other day my girlfriend was saying to me, "Ki-Adi, honey you know I love you, but..." 

Suddenly in rushes an unkempt older-looking guy. He's dressed in ill-fitting pseudo-Jedi robes that hang open in front, revealing his flabby physique. His name: JORUUS C'BOATH. 

JORUUS: Sorry I'm late everybody. I just got back from the 'praxeum' on Bakura. 

Mace and Yoda exchange glances and both roll their eyes. 

MACE: Didn't I just kill you m*****f*****? 

JORUUS: Huh? I don't think so.... 

YODA: Toasted your a** did he. With my own eyes did I see it. 

JORUUS: Oh!...you must be talking about Jorus C'Boath. I'm Joruus C'Boath. 

MACE: 'Scuse me....you tryin' to f*** with me m*****f*****? 

JORUUS: Oh...I see...You're just confused because our names sound exactly the same. I actually spell mine with two 'u's. 

Yoda rolls his eyes. The diminuitive Jedi master then notices a strange contraption under Joruus's arm. It looks like a car-battery connected with jumper cables to two ping-pong paddles. The extensive duct-taping gives the object a crappy, home-made appearance. 

YODA: More s*** have you brought us? 

JORUUS: You mean to tell me that you've never heard of a 'Force-Aura Reader'? You can use it to test someone to see whether or not they can become a Jedi. I thought you guys might need another... 

MACE: Why the f*** would we use that piece of s***? We just do a Midi-chlorian Test to determine if someone is a Jedi, you stupid f*****. 

JORUUS: Midi-chlorians?.....What are Midi-chlorians? 

The council erupts into spontaneous laughter. 

KI-ADI MUNDI: You've never heard of Midi-Chlorians and you call yourself a Jedi Knight? 

JORUUS: (ashamed)...well....(perks up)Allow me to demonstrate my 'Force-Aura Reader' for you! I'm sure you'll agree that it's a wonderful device that perfectly fits with what we know about the Jedi Order! 

Joruus procedes to flip a switch on top of his device, while holding the ping-pong paddles on either side of Mace Windu's face (oooooohhhh). The Council Chamber falls deadly silent... 

YODA: Mace, restrain yourself you must. If mess up these T-shirts you do, nothing to wear will we have. 

MACE: (through clenched teeth) I'm just going to go outside...and count to ten....to cool off... 

Mace leaves the chamber. A moment later he returns, apparently somewhat cooled-off. 

MACE: Okay, everybody. Now comes the part of Council-Meeting you've all been waiting for....When we take a look into.....the future... 

KI-ADI MUNDI: The future, Mace? 

MACE: That's right, old chum....all the way to the year 2000 (SIDENOTE: I hope everyone is at least somewhat familiar with Conan O'Brien  

The Jedis dim the lights in the chamber. They pull out foil hats and place them atop their heads. Each Jedi holds a flashlight underneath his or her face to increase the spooky futuristic atmosphere. Joruus stands alone in the chamber, bewildered. 

YARAEL POOF, in a high-pitched voice begins chanting..."In the Year 2000....In the year 2000..." 

MACE: (concentrating) I foresee that......oh s***!!!! Anakin's gonna turn to the Dark Side and become a Sith Lord!!! Force help us if that's true!!!! 

YODA: (serenely) Wait.......more there is....two children will he have... 

KI-ADI MUNDI: I foresee that Anakin will be known as Darth Vader and kill every one of us!!! 

YODA: (calmly) Ahhhhhhh.......not the end, though.........his son, Luke, will redeem him..... 

KI-ADI MUNDI: He shall topple the Emperor and his Empire... 

MACE: So it all works out in the end... 

YODA: Yes....heroic will his boy be.....(smiling)...though somewhat whiny he seems. 

MACE: Nobody's perfect. 

YODA: (eyeing Joruus) See anything, do you, Jorus Craappy? 

JORUUS: Jorus Crappy? 

YODA: No...only sounds the same it does. Spelled with two 'a's it is. 

JORUUS: (trying hard to see something)....I foresee...I foresee....I foresee that after the Emperor dies, the Empire will continue going on for about 60 years. There will be about 20 cloned Emperors. It will be somewhat pathetic, and unrealistic....they'll have lots of Superweapons, though!!! And Luke will marry Mara Jade. And Princess Leia and Han Solo will spawn the Incredible Solo-Babies capable of doing anything. And about 1000 bland new characters will come into their lives, with no discernable personalities of their own. And Luke will, for some reason, restart the Jedi Order on Yavin 4 instead of Coruscant.....and he'll hire legions of pathetic 'Crap-Jedi'.... 

He stops suddenly as he notices 12 angry sets of eyes glaring at him... 

JORUUS: What? 

MACE: You just made all that s*** up. If all that was true, it would completely destroy the story, wouldn't it sherlock? 

JORUUS: This is true. 

MACE: So why the hell did you just say all that garbage? 

JORUUS: I just wanted to 'enhance' the story by 'expanding' it. I thought... 

YODA: 'Expand' your a****** I will, when I jam this lightsaber up your... 

MACE: (amused) Now who needs to cool off, Yoda? 

YODA: (pauses for a moment) Leave the council-chamber you must, everyone... 

The other 11 Jedis file out of the chamber... 

Yoda rises from his seat and stands directly in front of Joruus. Even in his new attire, he projects an attitude of ultimate rage-filled dignity... 

YODA: Kick your a** I will... 

JORUUS: (nervously talking) Did you just say Whill? 'Cause I've always admired you people. You're so small and green, yet you manage.... 

YODA: Kick your a** I will... 

JORUUS: (nervously trying to back out of room) I'm just glad that you're one of those advanced Jedi Masters that has 'moved beyond the need for violence'. I'm glad that you no longer carry a lightsaber because you've 'moved beyond the need for weapons'. I'm glad that you no longer do anything whatsoever because... 

YODA: 'Moved beyond the need for life', you have... 

Yoda draws a small lightsaber from under his cloak and ignites its green, glowing blade. 

JORUUS: (shaking) But....you're not supposed to have... 

Yoda hurls the saber with expert precision. The weapon flies through the air, sticking into the wall next to Joruus Craappy's head. He nearly feints. 

JORUUS: NOOOOOOO!!!!! PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!!! 

YODA: Okay......but leave the temple you must. 

Yoda uses his awesome force ability to hurl Joruus through the chamber's window to his death thousands of meters below...... 

Yoda walks over to the window and looks down... 

YODA: Oh s***! On Mace's speeder did he land! P*****-off will he be!!!! 

YODA: A bad feeling about this do I have...


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 12: The Little Emperor That Could" 

The Galactic Senate. Perhaps the largest single room in the entire galaxy. Its immense, cavernous space is filled with the sounds of democracy in action... 

PALPATINE, having recently declared himself Emperor, makes up laws that determine the fate of the galaxy, while all of the Senators are either too powerless to stop him or too corrupt to care. The most powerful man in the galaxy sits in his central podium (with MARA JADE asleep behind him), and calls the Senate to order... 

PALPATINE: Order! Order! ORDER!!! 

With the third 'order' the Senate becomes silent... 

PALPATINE: Today's first order of business is to pass a law making the destructive use of Superweaponry legal throughout the galaxy... 

SENATOR BAIL ORGANA: But Emperor Palpatine!!! That would spell certain disaster for civilizations evrywhere!!! This is an outrage! 

PALPATINE: Sounds like someone's just jealous 'cause I got to be Emperor and you didn't! Nah-nah nah-nah!!! 

SENATOR BAIL ORGANA: This is an outrage!!!! 

PALPATINE: You said that already. You're starting to bore me, Bail. 

SENATOR BAIL ORGANA: But... 

PALPATINE: I'm passing a new law that says you can't say anything for the next 5 minutes, okay? DONE. 

BAIL: (quietly)but... 

PALPATINE: Shhhhh... 

Bail Organa, forced to comply with the galaxy's newest unreasonable law, closes his mouth. He looks continuously at his holo-watch, waiting for the five minutes to expire. 

PALPATINE: Well, since we have no one left to object.....I guess we'll have to pass that new Superweapon law. DONE. 

PALPATINE: Our next order of business is to pass a law making it illegal for Jedis to carry lightsabers... 

SENATOR MON MOTHMA: But Emperor Palpatine!!!!! That would cripple the galaxy's greatest guardian force!!!! 

PALPATINE: They're not so great! When was the last time a Jedi washed your windows?! Or did your laundry?! Or walked your dog?! 

MON MOTHMA: That's not really their job... 

PALPATINE: Nonsense! They're supposed to be our servants! It's high-time they got to serving us! 

MON MOTHMA: But... 

PALPATINE: Okay, honey....tell you what. Starting now, I'm passing a law that makes it illegal for you to say anything unless you're standing on your head. DONE. 

Mon Mothma attempts to do a head-stand so that she can refute Emperor Palpatine, but she finds it most difficult to maintain her balance and talk at the same time. 

PALPATINE: And the Jedi-got-no-saber Law.....DONE. 

Palpatine goes on for several hours passing unreasonable laws, while Bail Organa and Mon Mothma become angrier and angrier. Finally, the clouds burst... 

BAIL ORGANA: This is an outrage!!!!! From this day forward, I declare Rebellion against Emperor Palpatine!!!!!!!!! Who's with me?!!! 

MON MOTHMA: I'm with you Bail!!!!!! Emperor Palpatine, we will fight your tyranny until our dying day!!!! Who else is with us?!!! 

No one responds. Bail and Mon Mothma look disheartened. 

PALPATINE: (flashing a wicked grin) Eveybody knows that you can't call Rebellion unless you have three votes!!! Since you two are the only non-corrupt Senators left, it appears that your little Rebellion is at an end! 

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I'm with you too!!!!! 

All eyes in the Senate turn towards a Senate-pod way, way in the back of the chamber. In it sits an ugly, pot-bellied man with an over-the-top handlebar moustache and bad mullet haircut. They have the mispleasure of setting eyes upon GARM BEL IBLIS. 

PALPATINE: (startled) And who might you be? I don't think you're a regular around here.... 

GARM: Well, actually....I'm the janitor. Funniest story, really. You see, I accidentally forgot to put out the 'wet-floor warning' sign when I was mopping. Senator Ryder slipped and broke his neck. I tried to help him, but for some reason he refused mouth-to-mouth resusitation... 

PALPATINE: (sarcastically) I wonder why... 

GARM: ....so the good Senator's dying wish was that I take his place in the Senate. 

PALPATINE: Well.......tell you what. If you can pass a little test, I'll let you stay in the Senate. If not, you'll go back to mopping the floors!!!! 

Garm's Senate-pod hovers out into the center of the Senate. It comes to rest directly in front of Palpatine's. 

PALPATINE: First question: What's your favorite planet in the galaxy? 

GARM: Well....that's a real toughie.....I guess it would have to be.....Myrkyr. 

PALPATINE: Preposterous!!! There's no planet called Myrkyr! You just made that up! 

GARM: No, really, it's this planet with these furry lizard things that can block out the Force... 

PALPATINE: (suddenly angrier) You wouldn't be referring to the 'ysalamiri' would you? 

GARM: Yeah!!! Those little guys....they're so cute! 

PALPATINE: Let me assure you that they do not block out the Force! They do, however, shed on the furniture, eat vast quantities of food, and make annoying little squeaking sounds that keep you up all night!!!!! 

Palpatine grabs his comm-link and speaks into it. 

PALPATINE: (into comm-link) Trioculus! Enter the coordinates for Myrkyr into the Sun-Crusher's computer and fire the torpedoes!!!! You may fire at will..... 

TRIOCULUS: (sitting in Sun-Crusher cockpit) Dude!!! All right.....this will be awesome dude! My first mass genocide......cool! 

PALPATINE: (swelling with pride) It's a proud day for a father when his son takes that first step towards Mass Evil... 

A moment later, Trioculus reports back over the commlink... 

TRIOCULUS: Okay, now, look Palp-daddy......don't be mad at me dude, but......the thing is, I kinda messed up.... 

PALPATINE: (through clenched teeth) What is it you did.....son? 

TRIOCULUS: I accidentally, like, kinda.....blew up....Naboo... 

PALPATINE: That's MY home planet!!!!! You imbecile!!!!!! 

TRIOCULUS: Look....it was just a common mistake, dude. (more seriously now) Are you gonna, like.....you know....miss your people, and your native culture, and stuff.... 

PALPATINE: OF COURSE NOT!!!!!!! I'm a SITH-LORD!!!!! I don't care about the suffering of others!!!! I just won't be able to get my daily fix of imported 'Gungan Breakfast Flakes' anymore!!! 

The Senate suddenly begins to murmur. Palpatine realizes that he's just loudly admitted to being a Sith-lord in front of the entire Senate... 

PALPATINE: (trying to smooth things over to Senators) Oh.....you guys wouldn't want to take that out of context, everyone......... 

TRIOCULUS: Dude......just tell 'em that, you're like... 

PALPATINE: (to Trioculus) Shut up! (to Senate)...my son and I were....just rehearsing for a play. I call it 'Duel of the Fates'. It'll be coming to a theater near you this Friday. 

The Senate seems to buy this explanation and quiets down. Palpatine returns to his interrogation of Garm Bel Iblis. 

PALPATINE: Okay....question number two. Name your favorite hero from galactic history. 

GARM: Well, let's see......that would have to be....Master Thon, the great Jedi, who... 

PALPATINE: WHAT!!!! Not only did you make up someone, but you made up a JEDI!!!! Weren't you listening earlier? I HATE JEDIS!!!!!!! 

GARM: Oh...let me just name someone else... 

PALPATINE: Afraid not my friend. You failed that question. If you fail once more, I swear I'll KILL YOU!!!!!!!! 

GARM: (gulp)....okay.....I guess I'd better get the next one right. 

PALPATINE: (grins wickedly) Okay...if you can convince me in 50 words or less why you deserve to be a Senator, you're in. 

GARM: Well......where do I begin? Ahhh....hmmm...Ever since I was a little boy, I've wanted to... 

PALPATINE: Not so fast! You didn't let me finish. If you can convince me in 50 words or less without saying the letter 'e' I'll let you join the Senate. 

GARM: (gulp)....okay....(thinks for a moment) 

PALPATINE: (impatiently) We're waiting...... 

GARM: The Senate... 

Palpatine swiftly pushes the button to Garm's pod's trap-door on his Senatorial remote-control. The trap-door in the bottom of Garm's pod opens, sending him plummeting to his death on the Senate floor. His screams awaken the slumbering Mara Jade. 

MARA: Way to go Mistah' P!!!! Way to show 'em why they call you DARTH SIDIOUS!!!! 

Palpatine looks at Mara... 

PALPATINE: Mara! That's the first time you've actually remembered my Sith Name! I'm so proud of.......WAIT A MINUTE!!!!! YOU STUPID BIMBO!!!!! You just told everyone in the Senate that I'm DARTH SIDIOUS!!! 

MARA: Sorry Mistah' P! 

Palpatine surveys the vast Senate. One-by-one, Senators raise their fists in the air in a show of solidarity with Bail Organa and Mon Mothma. They begin chanting... 

SENATE: DOWN WITH PALPATINE!!!! DOWN WITH PALPATINE!!!! DOWN WITH PALPATINE!!! 

PALPATINE: I have a bad feeling about this....


EU-pisode 13: "The Fate of Xizor" 


Tatooine. Jabba's Palace. Prince XIZOR stands trembling before the throne of the most vile and powerful being on the planet--JABBA THE HUTT. Behind him stands ANAKIN SKYWALKER. Xizor's pathetic alien gang comes up from behind... 

JABBA: (translated from Huttese) What is the meaning of this?!!!!!! Why have you come to my palace?!!!!! 

Xizor finally works up the courage to address Jabba.... 

XIZOR: P..p...please speak Basic. I COMMAND you to stop speaking your native tongue and speak basic! I'm so much more powerful than you that you have no choice but to comply!!!! 

JABBA: (amused)HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!! (translated from Huttese) Kiss my big slimy green a**!!!!!!! 

XIZOR: But...but....oh well. I've come to intimidate you. I won't leave this palace until you acknowledge that I am the superior criminal. You and your petty organization will bow down before.....(dramatic pause)....THE BLACK SUN!!!! 

JABBA: (translated from Huttese)You will die for your insolence!!!!!!! 

Jabba reaches for the trap-door lever to his RANCOR-pit. 

XIZOR: (screaming)WAIT!!!!!........(calmer)Wait....you don't want to do that, my fat friend!!! 

JABBA: (translated from Huttese) Actually I'm pretty sure that I do, but go on... 

XIZOR: (backing away from trapdoor) You see......if you kill me you'll never see your most beloved family member alive again. YOUR FATHER......ZORBA THE HUTT!!!!!! 

JABBA: (tfH) What!!!!!!! I've never heard that name in my life... 

XIZOR: Uh-oh......well perhaps THIS will jog your memory! 

He pulls out a holo-projector and pushes the button. Out pops the image of a large obese Hutt (is there any other kind?). Although he looks similar to other Hutts in most respects, he has a very cheap fake moustache, beard, and wig glued to his face. He is blind-folded and obviously being held under duress.... 

JABBA: (tfH) Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Go ahead and kill this imposter. 

XIZOR: (taken aback)....but...he's...your father. 

JABBA: (tfH) NO HE ISN'T!!!!!!! 

ZORBA HOLOGRAM: (tfH) Please...please save me son......(trails off into blubbery crying) 

On the hologram they see tears running down the Hutt-imposter's face. They dissolve the glue holding his fake hair to his face, causing beard, moustache, and wig to fall off... 

JABBA: (tfH) Ha, ha, ha!!! You seem to have found the only cowardly Hutt in the entire galaxy to play your part. But this is pointless.....I killed my father 80 years ago. 

XIZOR: Uh-oh..........well, time for plan B. If you don't acknowledge.....(dramatic pause).....THE BLACK SUN!!!!!...as superior to your organization, I'm gonna tell everyone here about your dirty little sex secret. 

JABBA: (tfH) (laughing) They're all well aware of my exploits! 

XIZOR: No....this is something different. Listen up everyone! I've got something to tell you about your boss.......He's actually a sex-changing hermaphradite who becomes a female during certain times of the year in order to reproduce!!!!! 

JABBA: (tfH) (angrier than anyone has ever seen him) WHAAAAAAATTTT!!!!!!!!! 

XIZOR: (shaking like a little girl) But....your family, and your relatives told me that all Hutts...... 

JABBA: (tfH) So let me get this straight....you kidnapped my 'father' as plan A. Then you asked my 'family' and my 'relatives' about the Hutt reproductive cycle for plan B. And you came to the conclusion that I'm a hermaphrodite!!!!??? 

XIZOR: ....well..yes.. 

JABBA: (tfH) That plan has so many contradictions that it actually amuses me!!!!!! Can't you see all the half-naked, chained babes that I keep around this place? Haven't you met Gurdulla before? Do you really think that I'm a hermaphrodite who can only breed with.....myself? 

XIZOR: (surveying the room) Yes.......but I thought...... 

JABBA: (tfH) Where did you get this idea? 

XIZOR: .....from.....(quieter now, ashamed)....A.C. Crispwalker.... 

JABBA: (tfH) What!!!!!! (to guards) Bring Crispwalker out of the dungeon, NOW!!!!! 

The guards bring out the raggedy, robed figure known as A.C. CRISPWALKER... 

JABBA: (tfH) You actually thought it would be a good idea if I was.......A HERMAPHRODITE!!!!!!! 

CRISPWALKER: (shaking)....I felt that it made the character....more...more....interesting, you know. It made the Hutt culture... 

JABBA: (tfH) I think that it will make YOUR character more interesting if you live inside of a RANCOR!!!!!!! 

He hits the lever, sending Crispwalker plummeting into the rancor pit. Screams fill the air, but are then abruptly cut off... 

XIZOR: (gulp)....uh.....I....gotta go!!! 

He runs for the door, but Jabba's guards block the way. Xizor and his men are cut off with no escape route. 

XIZOR: Okay, men!!! It looks like we're going to have to fight these ruffians! Huddle!!! 

Xizor forms a huddle with his men. They break and then suddenly attack Jabba's guards. Xizor stands watching the ensuing fray, but it doesn't look to good for his people. Jabba's boys are mopping the floor with Xizor's gang. In fact the fight is almost over when.... 

ANAKIN: Awww....I'm missing out on the fight. I really want to, but..... 

Anakin looks guilty for a moment.....he finally pulls out his comm-link... 

ANAKIN: Amidala, honey.....do you think it would be all right if I, you know......got in a little rumble here at the palace? 

AMIDALA: (upset) ANAKIN!!!!! Why do you always get involved in massive fights wherever you go?! You've ruined my last two birthday parties, Sio Bibble's retirement luncheon, and my cousin Ramidala's baby-shower!!!!!! 

ANAKIN: Please, honey.....just this once? 

SALACIOUS CRUMB, perched nearby, begins making the 'whipped' sound.... 

ANAKIN: Come here you little rat!!!! I am not whipped!!! 

AMIDALA: What was that? What are you doing in there? 

ANAKIN: Awwwww.....nothing honey. So can I fight just this one more time? Pleeeease? 

AMIDALA: Well....okay. Whose side are you going to fight on? 

ANAKIN: I'm gonna fight for Jabba's team. 

AMIDALA: (surprised) But he's the most vile gangster on your planet. He's single-handedly responsible for creating the slavery situation that nearly destroyed your life. Why would you help him out? 

ANAKIN: Well, babe....it's like this: He may be scum, but he's my kind of scum.....hometown scum, you know what I mean? 

AMIDALA: (teary-eyed) I feel the same way about Palpatine.... Go get 'em Annie! 

Anakin ignites his saber and leaps into battle. He first comes across Xizor's pet DEFEL... 

XIZOR: Bwahhhaahha......you can't fight my 'wraith' if you can't see him!! He's like a deadly shadow, who creeps up... 

ANAKIN: What are you talking about? He's standing right there. 

Anakin points at the embarassed 'wraith'. 

XIZOR: What!!! You told me that you could make yourself invisible!!!!!! 

DEFEL: Sorry, sir. Sometimes I get confused. I meant to say that I could make myself 'inebriated'. 

XIZOR: You idiot!!! 

Anakin dices the hapless 'invisible' Defel into ribbons with his lightsaber. Next he encounters Xizor's SSI-RUUK henchman.... 

XIZOR: My 'Ssi-Ruuk' will destroy you with his patented 'paralysis paddle'!!!! Then he'll take you home and somehow turn you into a space-ship! 

ANAKIN: This lizard-guy can do that? Somehow I doubt it... 

The Ssi-ruuk has accidentally paralyzed himself with the 'paralysis paddle'. He slumps to the floor... 

XIZOR: But!........Oh well, you'll be no match for the most dreaded race in the entire galaxy--the YUUZHAN VONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Six of the ugliest-looking aliens Anakin has ever seen advance on him. They have a mutilated appearance and carry metal spears... 

XIZOR: Even your lightsaber can't slice through their 'POWER-STICKS'!!!!!! 

ANAKIN: Lightsabers can slice through anything. Don't you remember when Qui-gon Jinn sliced through the blast doors on the Trade Federation ship? Don't you think that the 'blast doors' would be made of just about the toughest stuff in the galaxy? 

XIZOR: I guess.... 

ANAKIN: And besides, wouldn't it totally ruin the concept of lightsabers if someone could block one with a metal pole? 

XIZOR: ....good point...but.. 

ANAKIN: Oh, well...it doesn't really matter, 'cause I'm fixin' to KICK SOME YUUZAHN A**!!!! 

The hapless 'Yuuzahn Vong' attack Anakin. He swings his saber at one of them. The stupid creature tries to block it with his metal stick. The saber cuts through the pole like warm butter, and Anakin guts the creature. 

XIZOR: This is impossible!!!!!! 

Anakin then cuts through the other five Yuuzahns' sticks in one swipe of his saber. He skewers 4 of them like a yuuzahn shish-kabob, leaving only one remaining. 

ANAKIN: Well.....this is too easy. Tell you what, pal...you get to make the next move. I'll just play defense. 

YUUZAHN: All right!!!!!! One moment please, though, if you would be so kind. I just have to make a quick sacrifice to my 'war-god'. 

The yuuzahn procedes to pull out a small knife and gouge out his eye. 

ANAKIN: Ewwwwwww....I'm so grossed out I think I'm gonna hurl chunks. Won't it be kinda hard for you to fight with just one eye? 

YUUZAHN: Come to think of it, you're right!!!! I'd better do a different sacrifice. 

The yuuzahn then procedes to cut off his ear... 

ANAKIN: Gross!!! Are you mentally disturbed or something? 

YUUZAHN: (bleeding profusely) NO!!! This is my religion, so don't make fun of it!!! 

ANAKIN: Geez, pal....when they were passing out religions you must have been out takin' a whiz... 

YUUZAHN: How dare you! Prepare to die! But first, if you'll give me half a moment, I've got to make a few more sacrifices. 

The yuuzahn procedes to cut off one arm and one leg. He wobbles trying to maintain balance. 

ANAKIN: Look pal, you'd better get yourself to a doctor... 

YUUZAHN: (losing lots of blood now) I'm going to destroy you!!! After this one more sacrifice.... 

The yuuzahn cuts off its own head. The thing dies. 

XIZOR: Curses!!! I knew I shouldn't have hired these people! 

He looks around, seeing only GURI left to defend him... 

XIZOR: Anakin!!!! You may have bested my other henchmen, but you'll be no match for the human replicant GURI!!!!! 

Guri leaps on Anakin, but anakin decapitates her in one motion, splattering blood everywhere. 

XIZOR: What!!!!! Blood!!!!! She was supposed to be a robot!!!! 

ANAKIN: She looked like a person... 

XIZOR: She was supposed to be a 'human replicant' with superior strength and speed. She told me she was... 

ANAKIN: Kind of like Data.... 

The fight stops, everyone staring at Annie. 

ANAKIN: Sorry.... 

Fight resumes. 

XIZOR: Yes.....she was... 

ANAKIN: Look, the only reason to have a robot that looks exactly like a human is to save on special effects money. Now, in a TV series it's all right, but for the life of me I can't understand why someone would have a 'human replicant' in a book..... 

XIZOR: She was hot!!! 

ANAKIN: You...didn't....'do it' with someone you thought was a 'robot' did you, Xiz? 

XIZOR: ummmm..........maybe... 

ANAKIN: That's an all time low, even for you. Besides wouldn't a 'human replicant' kind of ruin all the cool droids we have in this galaxy... 

XIZOR: I never thought of it like that.... 

He's cut off, as Jabba hits the trap-door lever. Xizor had inadvertantly backed onto the trap-door to the Rancor Pit. He falls in with a scream. 

XIZOR: (gulp).....Nice monster....good monster...now I know that you're actually a gentle giant from Dathomir who lets women....ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!! 

The rancor bites down on Xizor. A minute later it spits out his mangled body. 

RANCOR: ROAAAARRRR!!!!!....translation: ughhh....pheremones! 

ANAKIN: Guess those pheremones finally came in handy after all... 

XIZOR: (barely alive).....ohhh.......if only someone would help me... 

The FAT-DANCER from Jabba's court walks over to him. 

FAT-DANCER: Oh, you poor baby! Let me give you a hug......say, you smell great!!!!!! 

She reaches down and procedes to pull Xizor's clothes off... 

XIZOR: I have a bad feeling about this........


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 14: Palp-dreams" 


Coruscant. Palpatine's bedroom. The Sith master and Emperor of the galaxy lies in a fitful sleep. It's been a bad day for PALPATINE. He's just loudly admitted to the entire Senate that he is a Dark Lord of the Sith, spawning a galaxy-wide Rebellion... 

PALPATINE: (dreaming)......must.....squash Rebellion......NO.....MARA....IDIOT!!!! 

He wakes suddenly, sitting upright in bed. The apartment is quiet.....not even a ysalamiri is stirring. He resumes his restless sleep. About an hour later, he hears, or perhaps dreams that he hears, a mysterious, forboding voice... 

VOICE: Darth Sidious......Darth Sidious... 

PALPATINE: (half-asleep) Awww.....I wanna sleep more mommy.... 

VOICE: Sidious........SIDIOUS, WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!!!!!!! 

Palpatine awakens suddenly, only to find that he's being visited by a ghostly apparition. The immense dark-clad ghastly figure of....DARTH BANE! 

BANE: Darth Sidious.....I have come to you because you have transgressed against our most sacred rule.... 

PALPATINE: Huh? Is this about what happened a couple of days ago when Mara accidentally dyed my Sith robes pink? Look, she just accidentally threw them in the wash with her red bathing suit. I only wore the pink robes to Sith-mart so I could buy some new black ones... 

BANE: NO!!!!! YOU IDIOT!!!!! The black robe thing is our second-most sacred rule. I'm talking about THE RULE OF TWO..... 

PALPATINE: (gulp).....I've been meaning to choose one of them, but....Lord Bane, look who I have to choose from....I mean, which one of them would you choose? 

BANE: (thinking) Hmmmmmmm.......you know something, that's a real toughie.... 

PALPATINE: I mean, would it really be so bad if I just chose both of them? Each of them is more like just half a person. So it will take the both of them to equal one good apprentice.... 

BANE: Impossible!!!!!!! You must choose one and only one of them!!! 

PALPATINE: How 'bout if I just flew this thing solo for a while. I'm more than enough Sith for the galaxy. Did you know that I can actually... 

BANE: You must choose an apprentice AT ONCE!!!!! 

PALPATINE: (thinking fast) I've got it!!!! They can take shifts being my apprentice! Trioculus can be my apprentice during the day, and Mara at night!!! 

BANE: You're pushing it, Sidious.... 

PALPATINE: Listen, it's just going to be a temporary thing until I can find a brand new replacement apprentice... 

BANE: Have you considered cloning Darth Maul? He was very, very good.... 

PALPATINE: Ahhhh.......Maul. (sighing) Those were the days. He used to be such a good apprentice. He trained day and night, he never talked back to me, and he never put his feet on my coffee table. It's too bad I never took a tissue sample. He would have made such a good clone. 

BANE: Yessss....that is too bad. Well I guess I'll let you do this 'shift' thing on a temporary basis, but I'm warning you.... 

Bane's final warning is cut off as a second, crappier, weaker looking apparition appears next to him......EXAR KUN! 

EXAR KUN: (in voice that sounds remarkably like Woody Allen) Palpatine......I've come to warn you too... 

PALPATINE: And you are? 

EXAR KUN: WHAAAAT!!!! You mean, you don't recognize me......that really hurts. 

PALPATINE: You know what else really hurts? MY FORCE LIGHTNING!!!!! Tell me who you are or prepare to be electrocuted!!! 

EXAR KUN: Awww......geez.........I'm Exar Kun. I'm only the greatest, most accomplished Sith Lord in history. 25,000 years ago, I... 

PALPATINE: There weren't any Sith 25,000 years ago. 

EXAR KUN: There weren't? Wow.....maybe that wasn't the Sith Order that I joined after all. Maybe it was the chess-club... 

PALPATINE: There's one easy way to figure out if you really were a Sith... 

EXAR KUN: And that is? 

PALPATINE: What's your Sith name? 

EXAR KUN: My.....what? 

PALPATINE: Your Sith name? What is it? Maybe.....Darth Nerdy? Or is it.....Darth Inadequate? Perhaps it's Darth Delicate? 

EXAR KUN: (baffled) Darth? 

PALPATINE: (getting angry) Look.....being visited by Lord Bane is one thing, but I don't really have to take this... 

Palpatine raises his arms to send out some Force Lightning, but Exar Kun's Spirit falls to his knees and begs for mercy... 

EXAR KUN: Pleeaasse!!!!!! Don't kill me!!!! I have valuable information that I've come to tell you. 

PALPATINE: Okay. What is it? 

EXAR KUN: Beware the Jedi.... 

PALPATINE: (sarcastically) How original. Never heard any Sith say that before. Okay hot-shot, it's fry-time!!! 

EXAR KUN: NO!!!! WAIT!!!!! Not the Jedi that you know, but a newer more powerful race of Jedi beyond your wildest dreams.... 

PALPATINE: Go on... 

EXAR KUN: I am referring to......THE SOLO BABIES!!!! 

PALPATINE: Solo-babies? Somehow, that name doesn't inspire much fear in me... 

EXAR KUN: You don't understand...the Solo babies can do anything.....they have power that the Jedi and Sith have only dreamed of.... 

PALPATINE: Okay....so what can I do about these Solo Babies? 

EXAR KUN: Remember these 3 sacred rules... 

PALPATINE: Look, pal, I've had a busy day, and I'd kind of like to get some sleep. Just give me the most important rule. 

EXAR KUN: (disappointed) But......well, okay. (pouting) The other two were really good, though. But here it is.......NEVER KID-NAP A SOLO BABY!!!!! 

PALPATINE: Kid-nap a Solo-baby? Why would I ever want to do something like that? 

EXAR KUN: I don't know.....all the other bad guys do it. 

PALPATINE: Does it ever work? 

EXAR KUN: No.... 

PALPATINE: Then why do they keep doing it? 

EXAR KUN: Hmmmmmm.......I don't know, maybe they just don't have very many ideas. Did you know that those children have actually been kidnapped 4,456,978,234,123 times? 

PALPATINE: (bored) Wow. What a craptacular statistic. Okay it's time for you to go. 

EXAR KUN: But I... 

Palpatine raises his arms and sends a massive jolt of Force Lightning Exar Kun's way. Exar closes his eyes in fear. But, of course, Exar the crappy ghost is insubstantial. Palpatine's lightning passes right through the undead apparition. 

EXAR KUN: (opening his eyes) Well.....I guess you can't hurt me. Being dead does have some advantages. 

PALPATINE: Uh-oh... 

EXAR KUN: (surveying apartment) Say.....this place is nice. I think I'm gonna start haunting it. It's much better than those generic temples I usually hang out in. Well Palpy, since you can't hurt me.....it looks like you and me are gonna be like two peas in a pod... 

PALPATINE: I think I'm going to be sick... 

EXAR KUN: Yeah, this is going to be one sweet after-life from this day forward. Say, do you have any... 

Exar Kun is cut off as Darth Bane's ghost suddenly reappears. Bane sends a massive jolt of Force Lightning into Exar Kun, killing him. As we all know, one ghost can hurt another one if he really wants to. 

PALPATINE: Whew....thank you, sir. You really saved me there. 

BANE: Oh, I didn't do it for you! That guy has been going around the after-life pretending to be one of us Sith-lords! Would you believe it? 

PALPATINE: Really? 

BANE: Yeah...and it ruins the whole thing. He picks up all the hot ghost-chicks by claiming to be one of us. Meanwhile he makes us look like a bunch of whiny little wimps! 

PALPATINE: The nerve of some ghosts... 

Bane and Palpatine share an awkward silence. 

BANE: Well.....I guess I'd better be going. Remember our deal, okay? Your shift plan is only going to be a temporary situation, okay? 

PALPATINE: Okay.......Hey, before you go, do you have any suggestions on some good Sith names? I'm gonna need two of them. 

BANE: I've always been partial to DARTH RAGE... 

PALPATINE: DARTH RAGE?........oh, I get it--you're joking with me. (forced laughter) ha, ha, ha.......good one, sir. 

BANE: Took you long enough to get that, Sidious. Seriously, the best thing to do is just come up with a Sith name that describes the personality of a new apprentice. 

PALPATINE: (deep in thought)Hmmmmmmmm.......I guess I'll name them......DARTH BIMBUS and DARTH MORONUCIS. 

BANE: Speaking for thousands of generations of the entire Sith Order, I have a bad feeling about this......


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 15: Tussle on Tatooine" 


It's a lazy, hot afternoon on Tatooine. The binary suns beat down upon Owen Lars's moisture farm. AMIDALA, OBI-WAN, OWEN, BERU, and SABE are in the front yard. They're just killing time waiting for Anakin to come back from Jabba's Palace. 

Queen Amidala, who is an expert blaster-shot, is shooting at tin cans in the front yard. The Queen's handmaiden Sabe is assisting her by setting the cans up in a row. The young Queen has just blasted 201 cans in a row without a single miss. Obi-wan, Owen, and Beru sit on the front porch, clearly impressed with Ami's expert marksmanship. 

Little do they suspect that PALPATINE is sitting aboard his ECSSD in orbit around Tatooine. He has deployed his 'hand' MARA JADE, along with a an entire legion of freshly-cloned Palpaclones, to the planet below... 

AMIDALA: Okay, Sabe.....now move out of the way. That's it... 

BANG!!!!! The can is blasted into oblivion. 

AMIDALA: Okay, now. Get a fresh can for me, Sabe. 

SABE: Hey, I've got an idea! Let's fill this one with blue milk. 

AMIDALA: Okay... 

Sabe procedes to fill up the next can with blue milk. Amidala quickly blasts it, sending a vaporized spray of blue milk into the air. The others cheer, all except Owen, that is... 

OWEN: HEY!!! That's my blue milk! That stuff doesn't grow on trees, you know! 

AMIDALA: (angrily) Bite me, farm-boy!!! 

OBI-WAN: Oh, come on Owen....you can be such a tight-wad sometimes... 

OWEN: Easy for all of you moochers to say. How much longer are you guys gonna be here, anyway? 

OBI-WAN: I dunno'. Besides, Owen, do you really want to make her mad? Look at what she did to all those cans.......never even missed once. 

OWEN: Good point. Say, Obi-wan, does she look like she's a little.......angry about something? 

Obi-wan takes a look at Amidala. The young Queen does indeed appear to be taking out some pent-up aggression on the helpless tin cans. 

OBI-WAN: I hope she's not still mad at Anakin... 

AMIDALA: (impatiently) Okay Sabe!!!! Now set up 20 cans in a row. HURRY!!!!! I haven't got all day!!! 

Sabe lines up the cans. 

AMIDALA: (angrily grumbling) Spend all day fighting again, will you........make me sit around waiting for you......(sarcastically quoting Anakin) "Hey babe, I'm a Jedi....you can trust me"...... 

BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG! 

20 cans are blown into bits. 

OBI-WAN: (gravely) I hope Annie knows what he's in for when he gets back here... 

AMIDALA: This is too easy. Run and get my blindfold, Sabe!!! HURRY!!!! 

As Sabe enters the house, she passes Jar-Jar Binks, C-3P0, and R2-D2, who are heading out to the Lars's speeder... 

C-3P0: Good-bye everybody. We're going to take the speeder to Tosche Station for some repairs. 

JAR-JAR: Wesa see yousa guys later. 

R2-D2: Beep. 

The three enter the speeder and drive off. 

Obi-wan is clearly troubled... 

OBI-WAN: (jumping to his feet) Excuse me, but I'm gonna have to step out of character for a minute. Why is it that three fairly major supporting characters only got to say one lousy line each? I mean, come on!!! We've had to put up with endless scenes featuring Mara Jade, Trioculus, and Jorus C'Boath! We finally have here three actual characters from the movies and they've only got 1 lousy line each!!!!!!!!???? 

BERU: That is strange.... 

OBI-WAN: It's like they're trying to force these other useless crappy 'expanded' characters down our throats, and they can't even be bothered to.... 

OWEN: Relax pal, that little vein on your forehead is starting to bulge out. 

OBI-WAN: BEEP!!!!! F****** BEEP!!!! That's all Artoo gets to say!!!!!!! 

OWEN: Come on, you're gonna have a heart attack! Aren't the Jedi supposed to be calm all the time? 

OBI-WAN: (sitting down) It just really gets to me sometimes...........okay, I'm better now. 

Sabe comes back out with Amidala's blindfold. 

Meanwhile, on the other side of the moisture farm, Mara Jade and hundreds of Palpaclones are sneaking towards the house..... 

MARA: Okay, now everybody let's sneak into the house on the count of three. 

PALPACLONE #1: Does that mean that we go on 'three' or are you gonna say "one, two, three, GO!!!"? 

MARA: (perplexed) That's a good question.......hmmmmmm.....what do you think? 

PALPACLONE #1: (shrugs) You're supposed to be the leader. Personally I like to go on '4', but that's just me. 

PALPACLONE #2: Duh.......I like to go on '5'... 

PALPACLONE #3: I like '6'... 

Mara furrows her brow in intense concentration. 

MARA: I've got it!!! I'll just average 'em together and we'll go on whatever the average is! 

PALPACLONES: You're a genius!!! 

Mara thinks for about 15 minutes. She can be seen repeatedly counting on her fingers. Finally, she apparently arrives at an answer..... 

MARA: Okay....I averaged 3, 4, 5, and 6. We'll go on 8 and a half. 

PALPACLONES: (clearly impressed with Mara's intelligence) Wow!!! 

PALPACLONE #1: Does that mean we go when you say '8 and a half' or are you gonna.... 

MARA: Let's just go now! 

Mara and the Palpaclones sneak into the back-door of Owen's house. They find themselves in a fairly typical middle-class Tatooinian home... 

PALPACLONE #2: (perplexed) What do we do now? 

MARA: I wasn't thinkin' that far ahead. (to self) Hmmmmm.....what would Mistah' P. do? 

PALPACLONE #1: Can we steal some stuff? 

MARA: (doubfully) I guess......I'm not sure how it'll help out Mistah' P., though... 

The Palpaclones quickly begin to ransack the house, stealing Owen's widescreen holo-TV, holo-DVD player, holo-microwave oven, and holo-airhockey table. One of the Palpaclones goes into the master bedroom and comes across Beru's jewelry box... 

PALPACLONE #3: Hey guys!!! Get in here! Look at all this fancy jewelry. There's jappor-snippets, holo-diamonds, sarlaac pearls, and.... 

MARA: Awwwww.....I wouldn't feel right about stealin' a girl's jewelry. That wouldn't be....OOOOOHHHH!!!! Just look at those earrings!!! (suddenly hostile) MINE!!!!!!!! 

She swipes the earrings and tries to force them onto her earlobes... 

MARA: Ouch.....these stupid things won't go on my ears!!!! 

PALPACLONE #1: Ummmmm.....I think you have to have your ears pierced... 

MARA: (lying) I knew that!!!! (angry) What do you think I am, some kind of stupid bimbo who only got where she is because of her gorgeous looks?! 

PALPACLONE #1: Ummmmm......do I have to answer that? 

Suddenly, one of the Palpaclones in the living room trips over his own robes. He smashes through Owen's coffee table, creating a frightful rucous. Amidala, Obi-wan, Owen, Beru, and Sabe rush into the house.... 

OWEN: (furious) Hey! They're takin' all my stuff!!!! GET BACK HERE WITH MY STUFF!!!!!!!!! 

The Palpaclones who have the Lars's stuff rush out of all the doors and windows and flee in all directions. One is carrying Beru's jewelry box... 

BERU: Oh, Owen!!!! He has my jewelry!!!! Get it back for me please!!! 

OWEN: Jewelry my a**!!!! I'm gonna get back my TV!!!!! 

Beru begins to cry. 

AMIDALA: Don't worry, Beru! I'll get back your jewelry!!! 

The Palpaclone rushes out into the couryard with Beru's jewelry box. He leaps onto a speeder bike and takes off, heading for Beggar's Canyon. Amidala leaps onto another nearby bike and takes out after him. They begin to race through the canyon at break-neck speed... 

Meanwhile, in the homestead, a massive battle has ensued. Legions of Palpaclones square off against Obi-wan, Owen, Beru, and Sabe... 

A dozen Palpaclones simultaneously raise their arms menacingly into the air... 

OBI-WAN: EVERYONE LOOK OUT!!!! They're going to use Force-lighning!!!! 

Electricity suddenly rushes out from the Palpaclones' finger-tips, but instead of electrocuting our heroes, the Palpaclones accidentally fry themselves. The electricity flows from their finger-tips, down their arms, and into their bodies, leaving behind 12 smoking corpses... 

OBI-WAN: I guess they never learned to perfect that trick... 

OWEN: Look out! Some of 'em are carrying boards!!! Some of the boards even have nails in them!!!!! 

BERU: Oh...be careful Owen!!! 

While the brave moisture-farmer deals with the board-wielding Palpaclones, Obi-wan suddenly finds himself face-to-face with Mara Jade... 

MARA: Prepare to feel the wrath of DARTH BIMBUS!!!! 

Obi-wan is nearly incapacitated by laughter. 

MARA: (pouty) Hey!....What's so funny? Darth Bimbus is my Sith name. I've got a right to.........(suddenly terrified) OH NO!!!! I forgot that I'm only supposed to be the Sith apprentice at night! Forget that I ever mentioned my Sith name, pretty pretty please? 

OBI-WAN: (fighting back tears of laughter) I don't think I'm gonna be able to forget... 

MARA: Oh, well......just don't tell Mistah' P., okay? (begging) Pretty pretty please with sugar on top? 

OBI-WAN: "Mistah' P."? 

MARA: Yeah...that's just a little name I have for Darth Palpatine....do'h, I mean Emperor Sidious... 

OBI-WAN: Wait!!!! Darth Sidious and Emperor Palpatine are the same person!!!! Of course, it all makes so much sense now!!! 

MARA: Uh-oh.....Mistah' P. ain't gonna like this. (suddenly determined) Well, you're real cute and all, but I'm afraid I can't let you escape. Sorry! 

With that fearsome battle-cry, Mara Jade draws her lightsaber from the belt on her waist. Well....it looks like an ordinary lightsaber... 

MARA: Prepare to face the wrath of my 'LIGHT-WHIP'!!! 

Mara ignites the lightwhip, and a long, glowing whip-like energy extension comes out. The light-whip is, of course, an incredibly stupid invention, as the 'blade' sways back and forth, nearly zapping Mara with each slight movement... 

MARA: Ouch!!!! 

Obi-wan reluctantly lights up his saber and prepares to face her. 

Mara begins whirling the whip over her head. It tears through Owen's furniture and walls, leaving a smoking mess. 

OWEN: Awww....geez... 

Suddenly Mara takes a step toward Obi-wan, continuing to swing the light-whip. She inadvertantly decapitates four of the Palpaclones in a row with her pathetic combat technique... 

MARA: Sorry guys!!!! If I know anything about anamoty (yes that is how she pronounces it I'm afraid), I'm sure your heads will grow back... 

Suddenly Mara attempts to perform a long complicated MAUL-esque saber routine with her light-whip. 

OBI-WAN: Excuse me, but that looks kind of dangerous... 

MARA: I know what I'm doin'. Mistah' P. picked up a free pamphlet for me.......I didn't read it, but I got a pretty good idea of how it's done from the pictures.. 

Mara procedes to fling the whip near her head. She narrowly misses her face, but succeeds in slicing off most of her long, braided hair... 

MARA: (crying) My hair!!!!! Now I'm really mad! 

OWEN: This is too funny! 

Mara twirls the whip again, this time accidentally slashing open the front of her Sith robe. Now her attire shows off a lot more cleavage. 

OWEN: Now that's more like it! 

Mara then tries to crack the light-whip, which results in her narrowly avoiding slicing off her own hand. She does, however, somehow manage to break off a fingernail. The fingernail is cauterized where the light-whip slashed it. Mara immediately throws down the whip.... 

MARA: OH NO!!!! I broke a nail!!!!!! (begins sobbing) 

OBI-WAN: Consider yourself fortunate. Many Jedi that I know are missing all kinds of limbs. Only the luck of the incredibly stupid has kept you alive through that little display. Now surrender yourself and I'll show you some mercy. 

Mara suddenly pulls out a small remote-controlish device. 

MARA: You'll be helpless once I release my PARA-YSALAMIRI!!!! 

She pushes a button, ejecting thousands of ysalamiri from cannons mounted in the cliffs of the homestead by the Palpaclones. The ysalamiri have tiny parachutes strapped to their backs. 

OBI-WAN: Ummm.....I feel fine.... 

MARA: (mad) I don't get it....Mistah' P. insisted that I bring every single one of my ysalamiri here and try this.... 

The ysalamiri drift to the ground, where they are immediately eaten up by thousands of Womprats, who suddenly descend from the cliffs... 

MARA: OH NO!!!!!! MY BABIES!!!!! 

OWEN: Oh geez!!! Would you look at that....two of 'em got away and ran into my house. Those things breed like rabbits! It's bad enough to have a Solo-baby infestation... 

Suddenly determined, Mara produces another 'remote control' from her robes... 

MARA: I'm gonna tell you somethin'!!! I've got my 'Sun-Crusher' in orbit around this planet. It's set on autopilot, and I've got the thing rigged to fire a Super-Duper torpedo this way whenever I say so. That'll blow you guys up real good!!!! All I have to do is push this button... 

OBI-WAN: Won't that kill you too? 

MARA: (horrified) What? 

OBI-WAN: Well, if you push that button, you'll blow up along with the rest of the planet......I sort of assumed it was part of your fanatical devotion to the Sith arts... 

Mara begins sobbing, and continues for about 10 minutes. Obi-wan finally considers offering her a kleenex, when she suddenly perks up... 

MARA: Now I remember!!!! Mistah' P. told me that all I had to do to survive if I was on a planet that got blown up is to hold my breath so I don't die when I get launched into space! 

OBI-WAN: I....don't know how to tell you this....but I don't think that'll work... 

MARA: (perplexed) Huh? 

OBI-WAN: Even if it did, wouldn't you eventually have to stop holding your breath? 

MARA: You're just tryin' to trick me? Prepare to die! 

Mara takes her time slowly pressing down the button. In fact, she takes such a conveniently long time, that lots of stuff happens in the meantime... 

Suddenly ANAKIN SKYWALKER'S voice rings in on Obi-wans comm-link.... 

ANAKIN: Obi-wan, this is Anakin. Are you there good buddy? I'm just takin' a little spin around the planet in my ship. 

OBI-WAN: Anakin!!!!! Hurry, you have to destroy the Sun-crusher in orbit around Tatooine! 

ANAKIN: I can't see it. You'll have to give me the coordinates!!! 

OBI-WAN: I don't know 'em!!!! 

ANAKIN: We've got a problem then! 

Obi-wan looks to Mara, the only one who knows the coordinates to the ships location. He attempts to do a Jedi mind-probe... 

OBI-WAN: (horrified) By the holy living Force!!!! It's like looking into a balloon......I swear there's nothing in there. What am I gonna do now?! 

Mara apparently begins doing an out-loud countdown to detonation.... 

MARA: 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... 

OBI-WAN: Well.....get it over with... 

MARA: Oh, that wasn't a countdown! I was just tryin' to remember the coordinates of my ship, so I could drift there when I get launched into space. The only way I can remember stuff is to say it out loud... 

OBI-WAN: Anakin! The coordinates are 987654321! Go NOW!!! 

A moment later Anakin's voice comes back through the comm-link... 

ANAKIN: Mission accomplished, Obi-wan. Man, that thing blew like a powder-keg! Gotta be hands-down the weakest armor I've ever seen on a ship! 

Mara, horrified that her plan has gone astray, runs away... 

OBI-WAN: After her, Owen!!!! 

OWEN: (eagerly) You don't have to tell me twice!!! 

Owen takes off after the lovely fleeing Mara. He pursues her into nearby Beggar's canyon. Mara trips over a boulder, accidentally tearing off one of the sleeves on her robe... 

OWEN: All right!!! 

Mara trips again, tearing off the lower portion, of the robe, and accidentally converting it into a mini-skirt... 

OWEN: This just keeps getting better. 

Finally Mara takes one more tumble, pulling off the entire robe, leaving only her black Sith undergarments... 

OWEN: I've never been much of a believer, but......THANK THE FORCE!!!!!!!!! This is the greatest day of my life! 

He walks over to Mara, who lays sobbing on the ground. 

MARA: (pouty) What are you gonna do with me? 

OWEN: Oh boy.......I'm not sure. 

Mara rises seductively... 

MARA: I know all kinds......of tricks... 

OWEN: I'll bet you do... 

Mara approaches even closer... 

MARA: Like this... 

She procedes to stoop, picking up three rocks. She makes a pathetic attempt to juggle them, but can't quite manage more than two at a time... 

MARA: Ooooh...just hang on a sec. I know I can do this!!! 

OWEN: (drooling) Well, this juggling action does have certain advantages.... 

Eventually Mara tires of juggling and runs off into the desert. Owen continues staring for about 20 minutes, and finally snaps out of it... 

OWEN: Damn...she...got.....away..... 

Owen reluctantly heads home. 

Meanwhile, Mara is running further into the desert. She finally stops, pulling a video-commlink out of her bra... 

Palpatine is sitting on the bridge of his ECSSD. He's intently reading the latest issue of 'Sith Weekly', so he doesn't even bother to look up at the viewscreen when he hears her voice... 

MARA: Mistah' P.!!! Mistah' P.!!!! Mistah' P.!!!! Beam me up! Beam me up! Hurry!!! 

PALPATINE: Ummmmm.....I think you're confused again Mara......... 

MARA: Beam me up quick!!! I got lost from all of the Palpaclones and the Sun-crusher got blowed-up, and.... 

PALPATINE: (still not looking up from his paper) Look Mara, I'm not sure how to tell you this.....but I think it may be better for both of us if you just stay on Tattooine. I think I've taught you just about all there is to know.... 

MARA: (not hearing him)....and I lost my Sith robes... 

Palpatine suddenly looks up from his paper and stares at the screen, setting eyes on Mara's new attire... 

PALPATINE: We'll get you out of there right away!!! 

He personally flies a Sun-crusher down to the planet to pick her up, and brings her up to his ship... 

PALPATINE: I think that this should be your new uniform from now on, okay Mara? 

MARA: Okay.....oh, I almost forgot Mistah' P., all of our poor little ysalamiris are dead!!! 

PALPATINE: (as sincerely as he can manage) That's.....................too bad. I'll miss them. 

Meanwhile, Amidala is racing through Beggar's canyon on her speeder bike. She continually gains on the Palpaclone. The Palpaclone panics, and begins to throw out the jewelry to make himself 'lighter'. Amidala skillfully catches all of it in mid-air on her bike. Finally, when she catches the last piece, she quickly fires a shot at the Palpaclone, disintegrating him instantly. Amidala heads home. 

Amidala and Owen arrive at the homestead at about the same time, where they meet back up with Beru, Sabe, and Obi-wan. 

OBI-WAN: Well....we managed to kill all of the clones in the house, but there's still some left up on the cliffs... 

BERU: (sternly) Owen.....aren't you forgetting something?! Did you catch that girl or not?! 

OWEN: (sheepishly) She.....kinda.....got away... 

BERU: (furiously) OWEN!!!! This better not mean what I think it does!!!! 

OWEN: It's gonna be a long night.... 

Suddenly several of the Palpaclones appear in the sky above, riding on big 'flying snakes'... 

OBI-WAN: Flying snakes? Those are kind of stupid... 

AMIDALA: I wonder if they're anything like 'flying monkeys'? 

OBI-WAN: Not nearly as frightening. Look out! They're headed this way!!! 

The snakes bear down on them, but are easily blasted out of the sky by Anakin, returning in his ship. He lands and hops out of the cockpit. Amidala, forgetting her earlier anger, runs out to him. They share a very long kiss.... 

AMIDALA: Oh, Anakin!!!! I love you!!! 

ANAKIN: Love you too, babe. 

OBI-WAN: So whatever happened at Jabba's? 

ANAKIN: Funny story. Xizor told me on the way about his little plan. He actually thought that each and every single member of Jabba's court was plotting an assasination attempt against Jabba! He thought that Jabba's own boys would actually join in on his side during the fight! Would you believe that?! 

OBI-WAN: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. What, did he think that all the different assasination plots were canceling each other out or something? 

Suddenly the reunion is broken up as a dozen Noghri brandishing Solkhi sticks appear on the horizon... 

OBI-WAN: Not this again... 

Suddenly the Noghri are impaled from behind by gadderifi sticks. 3 Tusken Raiders appear from behind them... 

ANAKIN: Tuskens hate wimpiness.....THANKS TUSKENS!!! 

The Tuskens raise their fists in salute and then disappear into the desert. 

Suddenly several Palpaclones wielding blasters leap up from behind the boulders atop the cliffs... 

ANAKIN: Uh-oh!!! 

The Palpaclones are unceremoniously run-over by a huge customized pod.....the pod stops and out jump the Malastarians from Jabba's palace... 

MALASTARIANS: Hey, we had to help out Anakin Skywalker. He may be the Jedi Chosen One, but he's also the Chosen One for us podracers... 

ANAKIN: Thanks boys! 

MALASTARIANS: Keep kickin a**, Annie!!! 

ANAKIN: You know I will!!! 

The Malastarians leave. 

Just when they thought this little battle was over, MINI-PALP leaps out from behind a moisture vaporator holding.....A THERMAL DETONATOR!!!!! 

MINI-PALP: Prepare to die!!!! 

A hole suddenly appears in Mini-Palp's chest, with the point of a glowing green saber sticking out. He topples over to reveal YODA perched on his back... 

OBI-WAN: MASTER YODA!!!!! 

YODA: Saved your a**es again, I did... 

ANAKIN: Why are you here, Yoda? 

YODA: To warn you, have I come. To the dark side you will go. In a vision have I seen it. 

ANAKIN: Oh, come on....you guys never give me a break do you! (suddenly furious) FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, WOULD YOU JUST GIVE ME THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT!!!!!!!!! 

OBI-WAN: Uh-oh....Annie's finally snapped. I have a bad feeling about this.....


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 16: A Super-Bad Day for the Galaxy" 


PALPATINE paces the bridge of his ECSSD, now in orbit around Coruscant. He’s being followed closely by MARA JADE, who is wearing her 'new uniform'. Mara, who is of course somewhat clumsy and uncoordinated, keeps stepping on the back of Palpatine’s Sith robes. 

PALPATINE: MARA!!!!!! Do you have to follow me around like a little puppy dog!!!! 

MARA: Sorry, Mistah’ P.!!! I’m just tryin’ to watch you real close so I can learn how to be a good Sith lord. Or would I be a Sith Lady? Or a Sith Witch? 

PALPATINE: I don’t care what you call yourself....AS LONG AS YOU DO IT OVER THERE!!!!! 

He points to the other side of the bridge. Mara, fighting back tears, walks over and sits down. After a few moments she forgets that she’s been yelled at, as she becomes distracted by a flourescent light bank overhead. 

PALPATINE: (to self) Where is that idiot?! He was supposed to be.... 

He is cut off as TRIOCULUS comes aboard the bridge. 

PALPATINE: (crossly) Where have you been?! 

TRIOCULUS: Sorry, dude...I was just, like, tryin’ to....you know...I was hungry, so I like... 

PALPATINE: (wearily) You had another case of the ‘munchies’? 

TRIOCULUS: (giggling) Yeah, dude!!!.....I knew you’d understand, Palp-daddy.....I bet you used to.... 

PALPATINE: Don’t even finish that sentence!!! The only thing I ever got ‘high’ on was the Sith arts!!! 

TRIOCULUS: (laughing) That’s like......so lame, dude. You must have been a real nerd way back.....you know, like a hundred years ago, or whenever you went to high-school, dude.... 

PALPATINE: Grrrrrrr...........Well, let’s just talk about something else. How did you like your first day as a Sith apprentice, son? 

TRIOCULUS: It was okay, I guess, dude.... 

PALPATINE: Have you been practicing with your new lightsaber? 

TRIOCULUS: Ummmmm.......it’s like........I’ve been meaning to do that Palp-daddy..... 

PALPATINE: You know that you have to practice every day to be good with a light-saber!!!!! What’s wrong with you, boy?!!! (slaps Trioculus upside the head) Darth Maul never made excuses to not practice with his... 

TRIOCULUS: (angry) Darth Maul!!! Darth Maul!!!!! He’s all you ever talk about, dude!!! I’m so tired of being compared to him!!!! 

PALPATINE: He and I would never have had this conversation. We never would have needed to... 

TRIOCULUS: Well I’M NOT DARTH MAUL!!!!! And I never will be!!!!! I’m outta here dude.... 

Trioculus turns to flee the bridge of the ship, but Palpatine stops him... 

PALPATINE: Son.........I’m sorry. It’s not fair of me to constantly compare you to Darth Maul. 

TRIOCULUS: It’s okay, dude. I know you’re under a lot of stress.......Wait a minute dude! We were gonna hock loogies off your balcony today. Awwwwwww, man......we forgot, dude. 

PALPATINE: (as sincerely as he can manage) Yesss.............forgot. 

TRIOCULUS: I know, dude! We can spit loogies out of the window of this ship, dude!!!! Man....just imagine how awesome it would be.....they’d like, pick up so much speed when they entered the atmosphere! Come on, dude...help me open up this window... 

PALPATINE: Ummmm....I don’t think we should do that.... 

TRIOCULUS: Oh yeah dude! I almost forgot, it would let out all the heat in here. This place probably takes a long time to heat up, dude…. 

Palpatine doesn’t bother to correct his son. He has more important matters on his mind. 

PALPATINE: Now I must tell you about the second phase of my plan. We shall create... 

TRIOCULUS: Wait dude! I almost forgot, man. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about my new Sith name... 

PALPATINE: Yes? What about it? 

TRIOCULUS: (lowering voice) Look dude, I’m not like Mara. I’m not a total idiot, you know? 

PALPATINE: Ummmmm....sure, whatever you say son…. 

TRIOCULUS: So, like, I know that you’re like makin’ fun of us with those bogus Sith names, dude...that’s not cool, Palp-daddy... 

PALPATINE: (surprised) You really are aware of that? I’m actually proud of you for the first time, son. Maybe you’re not as stupid as I thought you were, do’h!...I mean, maybe you’re not as stupid as you look...WAIT!!! Let me rephrase that, son... 

TRIOCULUS: Huh? 

PALPATINE: Never mind....okay, so you don’t like DARTH MORONICUS? Is that is? Well, son, since you’ve actually shown a slight glimmer of intelligence for the first time since I’ve known you, I’m going to do something very, very special. I’m going to let you choose your own Sith name. 

TRIOCULUS: All right dude!!!!! 

PALPATINE: Choose wisely, son. This decision will affect you for the rest of your life. If you pick a bad Sith name, you’ll be stuck with it forever. 

TRIOCULUS: Kinda like when I got that tattoo on my... 

PALPATINE: (interrupting him) YES! We’re all aware of that tattoo. You showed it to us at the dinner-table the other night, remember? 

TRIOCULUS: Not really dude. I was like, soooo stoned, dude... 

PALPATINE: So, as I was saying, you’re going to want to take several hours, maybe even days, to decide on your Sith name... 

TRIOCULUS: No, dude!!!! I already know it, man!!! 

PALPATINE: (surprised) Oh, you do, do you? Well, I guesss you’d better tell it to me. 

TRIOCULUS: It’s like, so obvious, dude! 

PALPATINE: (hesitatingly) Go on... 

TRIOCULUS: DARTH CANNIBIS!!!!!!!! 

PALPATINE: (sigh).......okay, son. 

TRIOCULUS: All right, dude!!! I’m Darth Cannibis!!! 

PALPATINE: (angrily) Stop saying that! 

TRIOCULUS: Why, dude? 

PALPATINE: I don’t know, just don’t say it around me any more!!! 

TRIOCULUS: Okay, dude...whatever you say, dude... 

Palpatine signals for Mara to come over and join them. 

PALPATINE: Okay, so as I was saying, we’ve carried out phase 1 of my fiendish plan. It’s time to move on to phase 2... 

TRIOCULUS: What was phase 1, dude? 

PALPATINE: The attack on Tatooine. 

TRIOCULUS: Dude....that whole deal was kinda pointlesss, man....I mean what exactly did it accomplish, dude? 

Palpatine looks troubled for a moment… 

PALPATINE: Mara, dear…would you go apply another layer of 'Quantum Turtle Wax' to Sun-Crusher #23. It looks like it could use some extra. 

MARA: Sure thing Mistah' P.! 

Mara leaves, heading off for the Sun-Crusher Hangar. No one bothers to tell her that she’s heading in the wrong direction. 

TRIOCULUS: Dude!!! Why’d you get rid of Mara, dude? Her new outfit is sooooooo awesome dude….. 

PALPATINE: I had to get rid of her, so I could tell you the reason for the attack on Tatooine. I don’t want Mara to know... 

TRIOCULUS: Okay, dude....I get it! You trust me more than Mara! Thanks, Palp-daddy! 

PALPATINE: The reason behind the attack on Tatooine was just so that I could get rid of the ysalamiri and Palpaclones. 

TRIOCULUS: That's bogus, dude! What’s next, getting rid of me and Mara?!! 

PALPATINE: (as sincerely as he can manage) No.....I’d never do something like that. 

TRIOCULUS: Well, okay, dude. I know I can trust you, man. The Sith are like, known for always treatin' each other right... 

PALPATINE: Yes..... 

Mara reenters. She never found the Sun-Crusher Hangar, and has somehow managed to get the 'Quantum Turtle Wax' all over herself. 

PALPATINE: Phase II of my plan is to clone a massive army of Stormtroopers to take over the galaxy. In fact, I’ve already initiated the process. As we speak, hundreds of thousands of clones are being produced by my cloning-machines. We’ll use the Stormtroopers to battle the Jedi and crush the Rebellion before it has a chance to spread. My Stormtroopers will be equipped with the finest armor and weapons... 

TRIOCULUS: Uh-oh... 

PALPATINE: (sharply) What is it? 

TRIOCULUS: Did you say 'clones' dude? 

PALPATINE: Yes... 

TRIOCULUS: Well, like......the deal is....I kinda already promised my buddies DAVIN FELTH and MARRIK STEELE that they could be Stormtroopers... 

PALPATINE: (angrily) Those two stupid stoner buddies of yours!!!!??? I wanted my stormtroopers to be clones who live only to serve and fight for me!!!! 

TRIOCULUS: Yeah, dude, I know, but...it’s like...they really really wanted to be stormtroopers, you know....Hey, here they come dude! 

Two stupid-looking stoners of about the same age and appearance as Trioculus come aboard the bridge. When they see Trioculus, the three exchange high-fives. 

TRIOCULUS: Dude!...You guys are gonna be the most righteous, awesome stormtroopers ever, dude! 

PALPATINE: I want these two idiots off my ship at once!!! 

TRIOCULUS: That’s sooooo heinous dude! (sadly) I’ll just be over here thinkin’ about that one time at school when they had the father-and-son three-legged race, dude. I didn’t have a dad to go with, so mom and I did the race together. The kids at school made fun of me for years, dude... 

PALPATINE: (wearily) Very well....they can be stormtroopers. You two go down to the clone barracks. 

DAVIN AND MARRIK: All right, old-dude!!!! 

The two idiots go to the clone barracks. Palpatine resigns himself to the fact that he won’t be able to have a purely cloned Stormtrooper army. 

PALPATINE: Okay, well Phase II is underway with just a few minor setbacks. Phase III is to bring the galaxy to its knees with fear of these Superweapons!!! 

MARA: Excuse me, Mistah’ P. Does the galaxy really have knees, 'cause I didn’t think... 

PALPATINE: It’s just an expression Mara... 

MARA: Kinda like ‘Stormtrooper’? 

PALPATINE: No, 'Stormtrooper' is not an expression. Mara, I’m not sure I can explain it to you... 

MARA: Don’t worry Mistah’ P. I’m sure I’ll forget about the whole thing in a couple of minutes, anyway. 

PALPATINE: I’m sure you will. Okay, now let us begin! Which planet shall feel the wrath of my Superweapons first! 

TRIOCULUS: Dude, let’s just blast Coruscant. It’ll take a while to go anywhere else... 

PALPATINE: You idiot!!!! Why would I blast the planet where I live, and from which I rule the entire galaxy?!!! 

TRIOCULUS: Just a suggestion, dude. You don’t have to bite my head off, man. 

PALPATINE: Okay, I’ve decided to make good on my earlier promise of destroying Myrkyr! 

TRIOCULUS: You’re not gonna bring up that little ‘blowing up Naboo’ incident are you again dude. ...'cause I like already said I was sorry, dude... 

Palpatine ignores his son. He sets coordinates in the navicomputer for Myrkyr. Soon the entire fleet arrives at the ysalamiri-infested planet. 

PALPATINE: Well, we’ve already seen what the Sun-Crushers can do, so let’s try out the World Devastators! 

Palpatine deploys two of the World-Devastators to the atmosphere of Myrkyr. In a matter of moments, the monstrous machines have smashed the planet into rocks and dust. They begin to suck up all of the leftover rocks, dust, and debris, like two giant vaccum cleaners.... 

PALPATINE: Hey!!! What is this!? 

The World Devastators begin to spit out a continuous stream of debris straight at Palpatine’s ECSSD. 

PALPATINE: They’re supposed to recycle this stuff into new industrial goods!!! If this keeps up, they’re going to destroy this ship! Evasive maneuvers! 

Palpatine skillfully pilots the ship away from the two monstrously-stupid machines. After the dust and debris clears, two small, mysterious cardboard boxes can be seen floating in space just in front of each WD. 

PALPATINE: (visibly upset) That’s IT!!! They took all of the raw matter of an entire planet and only managed to squeeze out two little boxes worth of stuff!!!! They’re supposed to produce entire fleets of ships, and massive amounts of... 

TRIOCULUS: Dude! You don’t even know what’s in those boxes yet, dude. It could be really good , dude... 

PALPATINE: (skeptically) I suppose... 

Palpatine uses his ship’s tractor-beam to pull the two small boxes into the ship. He opens up the first box to reveal... 

PALPATINE: (furious) Styrofoam packing material!!!!! 

Indeed, the box is full of those little styrofoam ‘s’s that are used to pack fragile items. He runs his hands through the stuff, thinking perhaps that something better is hidden within, but indeed the box only contains the styrofoam… 

TRIOCULUS: Dude!!! I love these things, dude! 

Trioculus begins to play with the little styrofoam ‘s’s. 

PALPATINE: Maybe something better will be in the other box… 

He opens the other box to reveal... 

PALPATINE: Plastic bubble-wrap!!!!!! This is an outrage!!!! Styrofoam packing and plastic bubble-wrap are the two most useless items in the galaxy!!! 

TRIOCULUS: Are you insane dude?! Do you know how much fun this stuff is?! HEY MARA!!!! Get in here, babe! 

Trioculus and Mara procede to begin popping the plastic bubble-wrap. 

MARA: Wheeee!!!!!! This is the most fun ever!!!! You sure you don’t want to join in Mistah’ P.? 

PALPATINE: (still in shock) I don’t understand. 

TRIOCULUS: (looking up from his bubble-wrap) Look, dude....the important thing is that you destroyed the planet, dude… 

PALPATINE: (pouting) I guess. (whiny) But I really wanted some cool stuff!!! 

TRIOCULUS: That’s like....so materialistic, dude....the important thing is you recycled. That helps save the galaxy, dude. 

PALPATINE: (sigh) I suppose...well, there’s no need to test my Death Star Prototype. Since I designed it, I’m sure it will work properly. 

TRIOCULUS: Yeah....dude, let me just try out the GALAXY MINI-PISTOL. 

Triouculus reaches for the GMP hanging from his father’s belt. Palpatine quickly slaps his hand away. 

PALPATINE: You idiot!!! You know we only get one shot with this thing! I’ve got to save it for something really important. 

TRIOCULUS: Awwww...dude, I really wanna see what it does... 

PALPATINE: We’ll find out soon enough. You’ve got to be patient, son. For thousands of years, the Sith have patiently waited for... 

Palpatine’s ‘patience speech’ is suddenly interrupted as an image appears on the viewscreen in front of them. The readout in front of the screen says “Message from Tatooine”. Obi-wan Kenobi appears on the screen, with Anakin Skywalker and Queen Amidala standing behind him... 

OBI-WAN: (with cool determination) Emperor Palpatine, or should I say...Darth Sidious, we’ve learned about the destruction of Naboo and Myrkyr. While we don’t care so much about Myrkyr, the destruction of Naboo is a transgression against the people of this galaxy that will surely not go unpunished. The Jedi Order shall righteously hunt you down over the entire galaxy, so you might as well surrender yourself now!!! 

But Palpatine isn’t paying much attention to Obi-wan. His eyes are fixed on Anakin Skywalker, standing just behind him. The young Chosen One is apparently seething with barely-contained anger. Palpatine can sense not only the immense power, but also the incredible rage that emanates from this being... 

PALPATINE: (to self--not even aware of those around him) I’ve just seen my next apprentice... 

TRIOCULUS: Dude, what about the rule of two, dude? 

PALPATINE: (still oblivious) He’ll be my most powerful apprentice ever... 

TRIOCULUS: (to Mara) Uh-oh.....babe, I’ve got a bad feeling about this, dude...


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 17: The Return of the Jedi Council Strikes Back" 


Coruscant. Jedi Council Chamber. YODA has just returned from his mission to Tatooine to warn Anakin Skywalker not to go to the Dark Side. Both Yoda and MACE WINDU have changed into freshly cleaned Jedi robes. 

MACE: So how did your mission to Tatooine go, Master Yoda? 

YODA: Hmmmmmmm...............angry has the Chosen One become. Finally snapped has the bastard. Dark looks the fate of the galaxy. Try to stop the Emperor Anakin and Obi-wan will, but fail they will, perhaps. Hard to see is the future... 

MACE: Yoda!!! Anakin is our Chosen One.....I hardly think it's appropriate to refer to him as a bastard! 

YODA: No father has he. Born out of wedlock he was. The appropriate term, 'bastard' is. Nothing bad did I mean by it. 

MACE: Hmmmmmmmmm, I see.......(to KI-ADI MUNDI)......and how did your 'fact-finding' mission to Dathomir go, Ki-Adi? 

KI-ADI: (upset) It was terrible. I got myself all worked up to go there, but when I got to the supposed 'coordinates' there wasn't even a planet there! 

MACE: Wow......0 for 2. Well, my mission to the parking lot to turn off the headlights on my speeder didn't go very f****** well either. Someone dropped a f****** Jorus Crappy on my speeder! 

Yoda plays innocent, looking away and beginning to whistle. He quickly changes the subject... 

YODA: Well, important it is that no one was hurt Mace. Not important is it who was responsible. 

MACE: Yeah.....I guess. So, next topic of discussion: What do you guys think we should do about...... 

Mace is interrupted when three identical, unkempt, older-looking guys rush into the Council-chamber. They wear ill-fitting pseudo-Jedi robes that hang open in front, revealing their flabby physiques. 

YODA: Oh, no!!..........this s*** again must we put up with... 

MACE: (rising anger) Oh, I don't think so, Yoda.........come on, help me slice their a**es back to the Stone Age!!!!!! 

Mace and Yoda leap to their feet. Mace ignites his blue saber, and Yoda ignites two short wicked-looking green sabers. 

KI-ADI: Wait!!!!! This is madness! You'll ruin the carpet for sure!!! 

MACE: Okay...........he's right Yoda.......let's put our sabers away......Okay, who the f*** are you guys supposed to be this time? 

JORUS: I am Jorus C'Boath! You don't remember me? 

The council members look puzzled. 

JORUUS: And I am Joruus C'Boath! You don't remember me? 

MACE: (angry) Didn't we kill your a**es, m*****f*****s? 

JORUS: I suppose. That's irrelevant, though. It was just convenient for us to come back for this chapter, so........ 

KI-ADI: But won't that be a huge, gaping contradiction? 

JORUUS: (surprised) Contradiction? You guys are actually worried about contradictions? 

MACE: You bet your a** we hate contradictions!!!!! 

JORUS: You're making it too hard, guys. The trick is to just make up stupid, fake, contrived stories that explain how it all 'fits together'. Sure, you'll end up turning something that was originally good into a convoluted crappy mess purely for the sake of tacking on junky spin-offs, but...... 

MACE: (furious) WHY THE F*** WOULD WE WANT TO FORCE A BUNCH OF CRAPPY, UNIMAGINATIVE, HALF-A**ED, MADE-UP, SCI-FI REJECT, 'EXPANDED', GARBAGE STORIES TO 'FIT IN' WITH US??????!!!!!!!! 

YODA: Easy should you take it Mace. Rise will your blood pressure. 

KI-ADI: Okay, so we've met you two before. Who is this third 'Jedi Master'? 

JORUS: Why, don't tell me you've never met...............J'O'R"U'S '''' C''''''''''B'OA'TH"'"' 

MACE: WHAT!!!! That's the same f***ing crappy name that you both have!!!!! 

JORUUS: No, it's actually spelled with a whole lot of..... 

JORUS: (interrupting him) Whoah.......Hold it right there Joruus. For some strange reason, these people don't like names with lots of apostrophes randomly thrown into them. I guess they just don't recognize how 'Cool' and 'Exotic' it is. If it were up to me, every name would have at least one apostrophe in it.... 

JORUUS: I feel the same way.........APOSTROPHES FOR ALL!!!!!!! 

MACE: Oh, I know you didn't just say that!!!!!! Big, gaping lightsaber holes for you all!!!!!! 

KI-ADI: Easy, Mace...... 

DEPA BILLABA and ADI GALLEA begin chanting..... 

DEPA and ADI: I hear that cat Mace is a bad mother....... 

YODA: Shut yo' mouth!!!! 

DEPA and ADI: ......just talkin' 'bout Mace!!!!! 

KI-ADI: This is pointless. Even if we wanted the three of you on the council, all twelve positions have already been filled. Impossible to add any more. 

JORUS: Oh, that's no problem. We'll just wait for the next Tribal Council.... 

MACE: 'Scuse me? 

JORUUS: You know......when you vote a member off of the Council... 

MACE: I'm gonna 'vote' your f***ing head right off your f***ing body!!!!!!! 

JORUS: Wait......no need for that. Say, I noticed that you carry a blue lightsaber. Now, I've always been under the impression that blue sabers were for padawans, and.......... 

MACE: Oh, I know you didn't just call me a f***ing padawan!!!!!! 

JORUUS: No, no, no.....you've got it all backwards again Jorus. Jedis use blue lightsabers. 'Gray Jedis' use green ones..... 

MACE: (nearly at his boiling point) Whoahhh...........hold it right there. (gets right up in Joruus's face) Do you know Master Yoda? 

JORUUS: Well.........ummm........he's standing right there, I guess.... 

MACE: Do you know him? 

JORUUS: I guess.... 

MACE: What does he look like? 

JORUUS: He's........I don't know, he's..... 

MACE: (screaming) WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE? 

JORUUS: (terrified) He's little and green and he's got big ears..... 

MACE: Does he look like a 'Gray Jedi'? 

JORUUS: Ummmmm.........I'm not sure I understand..... 

MACE: DOES HE LOOK LIKE A 'GRAY JEDI'?!!!!!!! 

JORUUS: (almost in tears) NO, NO, no.........he looks normal........(trails off into crying) 

MACE: Well if he's not a 'Gray Jedi' why you tryin' to call him one!!!!??? 

JORUUS: I'm sorry!!!!! 

MACE: (with disgust) You three just need to get your contradictory a**es out of this f***ing temple. 

The three crappy clones hesitate.... 

KI-ADI: Something has been troubling me about this whole thing. Is there something that you guys actually want from us? 

JORUS: Well......it's kind of a long story...... 

YODA: Shorten it, you will, or your limbs I will shorten..... 

JORUUS: We've come to ask you guys to participate in.............(dramatic pause)...........THE OUTBOUND FLIGHT PROJECT!!!! 

MACE: Did you just say the 'A**bound Night Project'? 

JORUS: Outbound Flight Project!!!!! 

YODA: A mysterious yet crappy name that is... 

MACE: Are you f*****s gonna tell us what it is, or what? 

JORUS: We plan to launch a ship outside of the known galaxy. Onboard will be a dozen of the finest Jedi Masters... 

MACE: You came to ask us to launch our Jedi a**es out of the galaxy?!!!! Do I look like I wanna f****** be launched out of the f****** galaxy!!!!!!!???? 

JORUUS: We thought you’d love to participate. It’ll be a great chance for.....(he trails off) 

YODA: A great chance for what? 

JORUUS: Hmmmmm.....well there really was no point. We just thought it would be neat... 

MACE: I think it will be ‘neat’ to see if my lightsaber changes color when I jam it up your... 

KI-ADI: Keep your temper in check, Mace... 

MACE: No, I think it’s time we got rid of these guys once and for all. Everyone draw your lightsabers NOW!!!! 

The twelve council-members draw their lightsabers...the room fills with the eerie glow and familiar humming sound….. 

MACE: Well...I’m giving you 3 m*****f*****s a chance to draw your sabers... 

JORUS: (terrified) But.....we’re Jedi Masters.....we’ve 'Moved Beyond the Need for Such Weapons'.... 

MACE: Don’t you think a Jedi would kinda suck without a lightsaber? Have you ever met a Jedi without a lightsaber before, sherlock? 

JORUUS: But in the future Master Yoda will.... 

YODA: In a swamp will I dwell. What need for a saber will I have there? 

JORUS: Hmmmmm....I’ve never thought about it like that...PLEASE DON’T KILL US!!!!!!! 

JORUUS: Don’t worry Jorus! I’ve got just the thing that’ll save us... 

He reaches into his pants and pulls out....a ysalamiri! 

MACE: I don’t even want to know what the f*** that thing was doin’ in your pants, do I? 

JORUS: Ummmm.....not really, no…. 

YODA: No affect does this crappy creature have. Fine do we feel..... 

JORUS: I don’t understand! Luke always fell for it.... 

MACE: Pleeeeease...Have you seen those f****** future visions? Luke falls for anything. He even fell for the old ‘Darth Vader killed your father’ trick. 

JORUS: Just please don’t kill us!!!! 

But their pleas fall on deaf ears. All twelve Jedi masters simultaneously dice the three crappy clones into Jorus Salsa.... 

YODA: Troubled am I....worried that they’ll just keep coming back forever, I am... 

Meanwhile....in the afterlife.... 

JORUS: Well...it looks like we made it into the afterlife... 

JORUUS: Nice place... 

The three Jori see a passing crowd of ghosts... 

JORUS: Hey everybody!!!!! We’re new here, so I just thought we’d say hello!! 

JORUUS: Hello, guys!!!! 

JORUS: We’re Jedi Masters, you know!!!! Respect and venerate us!!!! 

The apathetic ghost-crowd dissapates, clearly not impressed. All except for one, that is. One tall figure remains behind. He steps closer to reveal his identity... 

QUI-GON JINN: Excuse me. Did you boys just claim to be Jedi Masters? 

JORUS: Ummm.....yes. Of course we're Jedi Masters. And who might you be? 

QUI-GON JINN: You don’t know who I am? I’m the guy who’s gonna beat your imposter ghost-a**es into the ground every single day for the rest of eternity! I worked hard my entire life to become a Jedi Master, and I won’t have lying, deluded idiots like you ruining it! 

Qui-gon Jinn’s ghost draws his ghost-saber. He advances on the hapless Jori... 

JORUS and JORUUS and J’O’R’’U’S’”’: (in unison) I have a bad feeling about this....


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 18: The Galaxy Mini-Pistol" 


BAKURA floats like a big crap-colored ball of dung in the otherwise beautiful vastness of space. In orbit around this sucky planet is the entire Super-fleet of EMPEROR PALPATINE. Determined to blow up each and every single 'expanded' planet, Palpatine has come lastly to this land of s***. Palpatine, along with MARA JADE and TRIOCULUS sit on the bridge of Palpy's ECSSD. 

Suddenly, out of hyperspace appears Anakin Skywalkers star-fighter (I'm not sure what it is exactly, but it really kicks some a$$ and you can bet its not a 'Z-95 Craphunter';) 

ANAKIN: Okay, Obi-wan! I've just arrived in the Bakura system. The odds look hopeless! It's just me in this little fighter against an entire fleet of Superweapons! 

OBI-WAN: I know you'll do fine, Annie. You always do. 

ANAKIN: I hope you're right. I just hope I can keep 'em busy long enough for you to reach the planet and warn the inhabitants to leave! 

OBI-WAN: Well.....I figure they've had a hard enough time surviving on such an ill-conceived, idiotic planet, and they might actually welcome the sweet embrace of obliteration via Superweapon. But then there's this whole Jedi Code business.... 

ANAKIN: Again with the code? It always makes things so much harder. Now the Sith Code, that's a nice little read. You know, the Sith would deal with this situation by...... 

OBI-WAN: (shocked and horrified) SITH CODE!!!! You've read the Sith Code?!!!!! 

ANAKIN: Hey, some people were going around door-to-door with the literature the other day. I tried to get rid of them, but they wouldn't take no for an answer. I just took a peek at their newsletter. Did you know that they believe... 

OBI-WAN: I don't even know you anymore, Anakin... 

Anakin temporarily ends the transmission. What he doesn't tell Obi-wan is that he has a copy of 'Sith Weekly' sitting on his lap. He's been intently reading it the entire time while in hyperspace. Anakin approaches the Superweapon fleet...... 

Meanwhile, Obi-wan's cruiser (I'm not sure what kind it is, but you can bet your a$$ it's no 'Dumbnaught';), as well as Queen Amidala's royal starship, touch down on the surface of Bakura. Obi-wan leaps out of his cruiser, as Amidala and Sabe step down out of the royal starship. 

OBI-WAN: OK, let's just find the nearest settlement and tell the people there about the danger. Then we can leave this system. I'm sure Annie will have no problem escaping. 

AMIDALA: (concerned) Shouldn't we...you know, try to broadcast the warning to the entire planet? 

OBI-WAN: Look, I'm only here because of the Code. I'm gonna do the bare minimum and then get my Jedi a$$ back to the temple on Coruscant. Tonight's Hawaiin Luau night. We each get to bring one guest, so I'm sure Annie will bring you... 

SABE: (forlornly) But....what about me? 

OBI-WAN: No problem. I'll bring you as my guest, babe. 

Sabe gives Obi-wan a hug. The three of them are so looking forward to Jedi Luau night that they don't notice the approach of multiple crappy little footsteps behind them.... 

Meanwhile, on the ECSSD bridge. 

PALPATINE: I can feel him approaching. The most powerful presence I've ever felt. 

MARA: Pauly Shore? 

TRIOCULUS: Keanu Reeves, dude? 

PALPATINE: No you idiots!!!! It's Anakin Skywalker.......my next Sith apprentice... 

MARA and TRIOCULUS: (in unison) What!!!!!! 

PALPATINE: D'oh!!!! Did I say that last part out loud? I meant to say it menacingly under my breath where you two couldn't hear it... 

TRIOCULUS: That's bogus dude!!! 

PALPATINE: I'm sorry, son.....look, if you can defeat the Jedi knight Obi-wan Kenobi in combat, I'll let you be my apprentice permanently and forget about this Skywalker kid. 

TRIOCULUS: It's a deal, dude! 

PALPATINE: Just take a Sun-Crusher down to the planet's surface and engage Kenobi in single combat to the death. I'm sure he'll be happy to oblige. 

TRIOCULUS: Dude!!! He'll be no match for him dude.....wait, I mean.....I'll be no match for him dude.....no, that's not it.....wait, I've got it!....I'll be no match for me, dude...no that's not it......(finally)...He'll be no match for me, dude!!!!!! 

PALPATINE: .........yes...... 

Trioculus leaves the bridge. Of course he failed to realize that Palpatine was preparing to destroy the planet that he's now heading off to. 

PALPATINE: Well, Mara, it's just you and me now. Trioculus will soon be diced to bits by Obi-wan Kenobi. And both of them will soon be nothing more than collections of tiny particles floating around in space.... 

MARA: Mistah' P!!!! I can't believe you'd ever do somethin' like that! 

PALPATINE: Also, I'm going to have to demote you from Sith apprentice back to 'Emperor's Hand'. I know it's a phony title, but the pay is pretty decent, plus you get to..... 

MARA: (starting to cry) How could you?! 

PALPATINE: Mara......do you even know what a Sith Lord is? 

MARA: Sorta... 

PALPATINE: We thrive off of evil and backstabbing. Look, if it will make you feel better, I'll let you fire the superlaser on the Death Star Prototype. 

MARA: (forgetting all about Trioculus) YAY!!! You're the greatest Mistah P! 

She hugs him and heads off to her Sun-crusher. Soon Trioculus is down on the planet's surface and Mara is alone in the control room of the Death Star Prototype. 

PALPATINE: (looking upwards) I hope you're watching, Darth Bane.........I'm going to show you how it's done! 

Meanwhile....Anakin Skywalker engages the first of the stormtrooper-piloted Sun-crushers. He easily blasts the thing to cosmic bits. 

ANAKIN: Yeeeeeehhh--haw!!!!!!! But, wait....it'll take forever to destroy them like this. That planet won't stand a chance! Hmmmmmm...... 

Suddenly, he is caught up in the tractor beam of Palpatine's ECSSD. He's brought into the hangar bay and escorted by Stormtroopers into the presence of Emperor Palpatine!!!! 

PALPATINE: Welcome.....my young apprentice... 

ANAKIN: I'll never join you!!! 

PALPATINE: Oh, but you will. Soon your friends will be dead, and the entire Jedi order won't be far behind... 

ANAKIN: I'll die before I give in to you!!! 

PALPATINE: (ignoring his defiance)...and then you will have no reason to exist other than to serve me as a SITH LORD!!!! 

ANAKIN: Wait.....did you say Sith Lord? Actually I've been intrigued by your literature for some time. Is it true that you're allowed to cheat, steal, lie, and sleep with as many... 

PALPATINE: (interrupting him) Hold it right there!!!........(perplexed) Did you say that you actually want to be a Sith Lord? 

ANAKIN: Kinda.... 

PALPATINE: (troubled) Then this will be too easy.....there won't be any challenge at all... 

ANAKIN: Sorry.... I didn't mean to ruin it for ya... 

PALPATINE: (disappointed and whiny) And I had such a diabolical plan to convert you, too!!! Now it will all go to waste. 

ANAKIN: (thinking) Well......if it makes you feel any better, you can still do your little plan. I'll pretend to resist. 

PALPATINE: (perking up) Really?!!!! Awww...geez, thanks mister!!! You won't regret it, I promise it's the most fiendish plan ever! 

ANAKIN: (apathetic fake acting) Oh....please...I'll never join you.....I'll never be a Sith. 

PALPATINE: Can't you do a little better than that? 

ANAKIN: (with more feeling now) I'll never join you!!! 

PALPATINE: I believe we've already covered that... 

ANAKIN: Look, I'm just as comfortable staying as a Jedi, so if you don't get this little plan started, than I'm afraid... 

PALPATINE: Okay, okay....here it goes! I shall create so much suffering and despair in your life when I destroy the only person who really means anything to you.......YOUR MOTHER!!! 

ANAKIN: (ticked off) Okay...that's it!!! I was seriously gonna join the Sith, but nobody, AND I MEAN NOBODY, MESSES WITH MY MOTHER!!!! NOW I'M GONNA FEED YOU YOUR OWN SPLEEN!!!!! 

Anakin draws his lightsaber and advances on Palpatine, but the Palpster blasts the saber right out of his hand with a jolt of Force Lightning!!! 

PALPATINE: (with fiendish delight) Nothing can stop what's about to occur!!! 

He draws a small silvery object from his belt.....the GALAXY MINI-PISTOL!!! 

PALPATINE: I only get one shot with this thing....and I figured out that the best thing to do would be to destroy your mother!!!! 

He rushes for hangar bay, with a temporarily stunned Anakin stumbling after him. He reaches the bay, holds the gun aloft, and.... 

PALPATINE: (holding pistol, squinting through sights)....let's see.......Tatooine is the third star on the right if I remember correctly... 

Palpatine squeezes the trigger..... 

ANAKIN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....hey, wait a minute.....what the.... 

From the tip of the Galaxy Mini-Pistol a tiny BB-sized pellet emerges and races off towards Tatooine. 

PALPATINE: (angrily throwing down the gun) This stupid thing!!! 

ANAKIN: That thing is going to destroy Tatooine? I don't think it... 

PALPATINE: (furiously) Shut up!!! I thought the one shot would count for something!!! 

But, lightyears away, the tiny pellet enters Tatooine's atmosphere, races through Mos Espa, dodges around the old lady's fruit stand, and knocks politely three times on the door of Shmi Skywalker's hovel.... 

SHMI: I'm coming! Hold on a second! Okay, who's there?.... 

As she opens the door to her hovel, the wicked little pellet strikes her in the eye, traveling to her brain, and killing her instantly! 

ANAKIN: (feeling her death) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! (to Palpatine) YOU MONSTER!!!!!!!!! 

PALPATINE: (also feeling it) Yesss.......I am a monster, as you shall also be soon!!!! 

Obi-wan's voice suddenly chimes in on Annie's commlink... 

OBI-WAN: Anakin!!! Anakin!!! Are you there?! How did it go? 

ANAKIN: The bastard killed my mother!!!! 

OBI-WAN: I'm...........so sorry, Anakin. My deepest condolences. We've had problems as well. We were followed through the forest by a couple of Solo-babies. I guess they stowed aboard... 

ANAKIN: The Solo-babies!!!!! Put them on for me!!! 

OBI-WAN: But.....why? What could they... 

ANAKIN: Just do it! 

A moment later... 

SOLO-BABY #1: Hello? 

ANAKIN: Listen up kid! I know that you disgusting little brats are actually god-like beings who destroy each and every story that you're in by coming up with ridiculously overblown Force powers that can conveniently get you out of any situation, right? 

SOLO-BABY #1: I guess..... 

ANAKIN: So, I was wondering if you could....possibly.....turn back time? I'll give you each a jappor snippet.... 

SOLO-BABY #1: Perhaps we could do it....why do you need time turned back? 

ANAKIN: My mother was just murdered on Tatooine. I need you to turn back time on Tatooine and prevent it from happening! 

SOLO-BABY #1: Well......we have a way to do it, but we'd have to be there ourselves..... 

SOLO-BABY #2: Hey! You're forgetting about our ability to move entire planets just by thinking about it! 

SOLO-BABY #1: Oh yeah!!! Just a second Annie! 

The Solo-babies raise their arms into the air. Suddenly Tatooine is pulled from its orbit on the other side of the galaxy and in seconds flung right into the Bakura system like a ping-pong ball! 

SOLO-BABY #1: Okay, let's do it! 

The Solo-babies leap into the air, taking flight. The fly up through the atmosphere and into the coldness of space. Of course they use the Force to withstand the pressure and temperature of the atmosphere, as well as to negate the need for breathing in space.... 

Obi-wan watches them leave.... 

OBI-WAN: That 'Crusher Effect' is some crappily over-powerful stuff....... 

The Solo-babies reach the space above Tatooine. 

SOLO-BABY #1: Okay, are you ready, Solo-baby #3? 

SOLO-BABY #2: Hey, I'm Solo-baby #2!!! How could you make that mistake?! 

SOLO-BABY #1: Sorry....it's just that we're all so generic. We don't even have discernible personalities... 

SOLO-BABY #2: Good point....okay let's do it!!! 

The Solo-babies begin to rapidly fly around the planet Tatooine in the opposite of the direction that the planet spins on its axis. And of course, as everyone who's seen Superman 1 knows, this can actually turn back time. As they increase in speed flying around the planet, they turn back time on Tatooine by several minutes.... 

ANAKIN: Thanks Solo-babies! 

On the ECSSD hangar, Anakin whips up a furious storm of force-flying metal debris and sends it Palpatine's direction. He knocks down the wicked old Sith, and makes a dash for his ship. He hopes into the cock-pit. Soon he's chasing down the Galaxy Mini-Pistol bullet in Tatooine's atmosphere. 

Using his dog-fighting expertise, and uncanny Jedi abilities, he bulls-eyes the tiny pellet, destroying it just as it reaches Mos Espa. 

ANAKIN: Yippie!!!.....I mean, Yeeeeeeh-haw!!!! 

He flies up out of Tatooine's atmosphere. 

ANAKIN: Okay, Solo-babies, you can send Tatooine back to its own side of the galaxy. 

Soon the brightly colored sphere of Tatooine vanishes in the distance... 

Anakin flies closer to the Solo-babies as if to wave them thanks, but just as he approaches, he sends a couple of proton torpedoes into them, instantly disintegrating them... 

OBI-WAN: Anakin!!! Have you gone over to the Dark Side!!!??? 

ANAKIN: Nah.....not yet anyway. I've just been wanting to get rid of those snot-nosed little punks for quite a while now... 

OBI-WAN: They did just save your mother's life... 

ANAKIN: Oh, I know. Just tell me honestly you haven't been wanting to do the same thing ever since we met those kids? 

OBI-WAN: Well......I can't lie because the code forbids it. I must admit that I was actually planning on killing them tonight......I even bought some thermal detonators... 

ANAKIN: Awwwwww....I knew you had a little bit of blood-lust in you somewhere, Obi-wan. I guess you're all right, after all. Sorry about that little 'flirting with the Dark Side' incident. Don't tell the Council, okay? 

OBI-WAN: I'll let it slide this time, I guess...WAIT A MINUTE!!!!! Aren't we forgetting something? There's still an entire fleet of Superweapons up there!!!!! Plus, there's bound to be another Sith apprentice in all this mess somewhere!!!! 

ANAKIN: No problem.....leave that to me. I shouldn't even have to break a sweat. 

Obi-wan, Amidala, and Sabe proceed quickly to the nearest village. They warn an old man of the imminent destruction of Bakura. 

OLD MAN: (cheerfully) Thank the Force!!!!! I'll finally find me sweet release from this hell-hole of stupidity!!!!!! I'll leap into the fires of Hell with open arms after having lived here for so long!!!! 

OBI-WAN: (to Amidala) See? I told you so. 

OLD MAN: Did you know that we were actually invaded a couple of months ago by some giant lizards? Honest to God truth. Giant Lizards. The things carried around ping-pong paddles for some reason. Not too scary, but I think it made the IQ of the entire galaxy drop by a couple of points. Don't know how something like that ever could have made it into this galaxy....must have been a serious oversight..... 

OBI-WAN: Sure....whatever you say old man..........giant lizards......That would make a 'real good story'.... 

Obi-wan makes the 'crazy sign' to Amidala when the old man looks away. 

Obi-wan head for his cruiser, unaware that Trioculus is waiting for him nearby. 

Amidala and Sabe head for the Royal Starship. They board it and leave Bakura. Sabe looks deeply troubled... 

AMIDALA: What's wrong Sabe? We saved the galaxy, plus you get to go to the Hawaiin Luau at the Jedi temple tonight with Obi-wan as your date. Cheer up! 

SABE: I just remembered about my purse. That little 'Noghri' punk has it. He may be weak, but he does know how to use a blaster. And I have to meet him alone at Beggar's Canyon on Tatooine in a couple of hours! 

AMIDALA: Oh, it'll all work out, I'm sure. 

Sabe begins to cry. Amidala gives her a reassuring hug. 

SABE: (crying) I.....really....love that purse. 

AMIDALA: Don't worry....I'm sure you can handle yourself. You've always been my most loyal, trustworthy servant. Except for that little 'Anakin in the cargo hold' incident, you have an unblemished service record. You'll get your purse back from that little gray punk... 

SABE: I'm not so sure......I have a bad feeling about this.....


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 19: Battle for the Galaxy" 


The sun shines down upon a forest clearing on the incredibly craptacular planet known as BAKURA. In the clearing sits the cruiser of Jedi Knight OBI-WAN KENOBI. The brave Jedi is making his way back to his ship. QUEEN AMIDALA and SABE have already left for Tatooine aboard the royal starship. 

OBI-WAN: I sense a disturbance in the force.... 

Obi-wan stands about 20 feet from the entrance ramp to his ship. Suddenly the ship's side-hatch opens wide to reveal the dark-clad figure of....TRIOCULUS!!!! 

TRIOCULUS: (singing) DUH-DUUUUUHHHHH!!! DUH-DUH-DUUUUUHUHHHH!!!! 

OBI-WAN: (annoyed) What are you doing? 

TRIOCULUS: Dude! I'm tryin' to build a suspenseful atmosphere, dude. It's the 'Duel of the Fates' man!!!! 

OBI-WAN: So you must be..... 

TRIOCULUS: ....the new Sith Lord, dude!!!!! DARTH CANNIBIS!!!!! 

Trioculus removes his outer Sith cloak, revealing the black tunic beneath... 

OBI-WAN: You don't actually want to fight me do you? You realize that you could be seriously hurt? 

TRIOCULUS: Man.....I've been smokin' so much weed in your ship, dude, that I don't hardly even care, man... 

He gestures back through the open door of Obi-wan's cruiser, where a thick smoky haze is all that can be seen. 

OBI-WAN: (angrily) MY SHIP!!!! Now all the other Jedis are going to think I was using marijuana in there!!! Do you realize how that's going to make me look?! 

TRIOCULUS: Chill out dude! I left some incense in there for you to.......HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!!! You're like, not even gonna have a chance to burn that stuff, man......cause I'm, like, gonna mess you up bad, dude...... 

Obi-wan looks Trioculus over. The young 'Sith' doesn't appear to be all that alert... 

OBI-WAN: Fine. If you insist on fighting me... 

Obi-wan drops his outer cloak, revealing the Jedi tunic beneath. He draws his saber and ignites it. He stands in defensive posture, waiting for Trioculus to make the first move. 

TRIOCULUS: Okay, dude, here we go! 

Trioculus reaches for the saber at his belt. He pulls out the dark cylindrical object, holds it aloft to ignite it, but nothing happens.... 

TRIOCULUS: Uh-oh, dude.... 

OBI-WAN: Is that what I think it is? 

TRIOCULUS: Yeah, dude......it's my bong, man.... 

OBI-WAN: (sigh) Okay, go back in there and look for your lightsaber. But hurry up! I don't want to be late for Jedi luau at the temple tonight. 

TRIOCULUS: DUDE!!!! A Hawaiin Luau!!!! Can I come?! 

OBI-WAN: (perplexed) Ummmmmmmmm......generally speaking, these lightsaber duels usually end with someone being killed... 

TRIOCULUS: That's soooo heinous, dude!!! You mean one of us is gonna be, like, dead after this thing? What a cosmic bummer, man... 

OBI-WAN: Well...I suppose we don't have to fight... 

TRIOCULUS: Nah, man.....I gotta show the old man that I know what I'm doin'. I'll be right back. 

Trioculus disappears back into the thick haze within Obi-wan's ship. Twenty minutes later, he emerges with a lightsaber. 

TRIOCULUS: Okay, dude! Prepare to, like, die or somethin' dude!!!! 

Trioculus ignites the saber. A Tie-Dye-colored blade appears... 

OBI-WAN: I'm not sure I feel comfortable fighting a Sith who uses a Tie-Dye-colored saber. Aren't you people supposed to have red sabers? 

TRIOCULUS: Dude....you need to, like....expand your mind, dude... 

OBI-WAN: Fair enough... 

Obi-wan steps forward... 

TRIOCULUS: Whoah dude!!!! Hold on a sec, man. I'm not through yet, dude!!! 

Trioculus holds out the saber and procedes to ignite a second blade from the back end, forming a DOUBLE-BLADED LIGHTSABER!!!! 

OBI-WAN: Okay, let's do it! 

He leaps forward, but is stopped short again... 

TRIOCULUS: Hold on man!!! There's like, more, dude!!!! 

Trioculus holds out the double-bladed lightsaber and extends a third blade straight out from the middle of the saber, forming a TRIPLE-BLADED LIGHTSABER!!!!! 

OBI-WAN: Look, I really shouldn't have to tell you this, but....that thing looks like it won't be too easy to use in battle. You might stand a better chance if you un-ignite one of those blades and just use it as a double. 

TRIOCULUS: Look dude....I paid extra for all these blades, so I'm gonna use 'em. 

OBI-WAN: Very well... 

Obi-wan steps forward, but is stopped again... 

TRIOCULUS: Just one more, dude! 

Trioculus ignites a fourth blade, which extends backwards, nicking him in the side. He only has one tiny area of the hilt to hold on to, and he has to hold it very carefully off to one side to keep from impaling himself. 

TRIOCULUS: OUCH!!!!! Dude, these things hurt!!! 

Obi-wan stares at the 4-way glowing blade configuration. It looks like a large, glowing, Tie-dye cross... 

OBI-WAN: (impatiently) How are you even supposed to fight with that thing?! You can't even move without killing yourself!! 

TRIOCULUS: Dude!!! Let's fight, dude! 

He takes slow baby-steps towards Obi-wan while trying to hold on to his unwieldy contraption. He can't even look at his opponent, as he has to keep his eyes focused on his own craptacular weapon at all times to keep from killing himself. 

OBI-WAN: I'm going to do you a favor... 

The Jedi skillfully flips over Trioculus, slicing off one of the blades. He leaps back over him a second time, slicing off a second blade. Then he quickly slices the remaining double saber in half. 

OBI-WAN: There. Now you have a single lightsaber. I think you'll find it's much easier to... 

TRIOCULUS: That's it dude!!!! You're gonna be sorry for waisting all of my lightsaber blades! 

Trioculus prepares himself by going into the 'Crane' position, ala Karate Kid. He pauses for a moment and then leaps into the air. Of course, he fully expects the Matrix 'Bullet-Time' to kick in and the fight to suddenly become slow-motion. Obi-wan rushes in while he's in mid-air and slices off all of his limbs and his head. 

TRIOCULUS'S HEAD: Bummer...dude.....what happened? 

OBI-WAN: It looked as if you were waiting for something special to occur. 

TRIOCULUS'S HEAD: But in the Matrix, dude.... 

OBI-WAN: Let me guess...you were waiting for 'bullet-time' to kick in. Some people will be taken in by any cheap trick. And to think that they beat us for best special effects... 

TRIOCULUS'S HEAD: (losing vitality) Is this......the end.......... 

OBI-WAN: Well, if there's anything I've learned during the craptacular 'expanded' adventures of the last week, it's that you shouldn't have any problem coming back to life. Just get some hack author and whiny fanboys to lobby for your resurrection and you should have no problem. Or maybe someone could just come along and contradict this event--that seems to happen an awful lot. Perhaps you could 'transfer your soul' into a freshly cloned body. Maybe you could transfix your spirit into an ancient starship and become a part of it's computer consciousness. In fact, I'd be surprised if you were even dead at all... 

TRIOCULUS'S HEAD: (smiling) Wow.....that's....so.........cool, dude.... 

Trioculus's head's eyes close. He dies. 

OBI-WAN: This is always the hardest part of the job. Every life is sacred, and every being deserves a proper funeral. But...I'm late for the luau, so to hell with that!!! 

He gives the head a mighty kick, like a soccer ball. It flies into a nearby stream and is swept downriver. Obi-wan jumps into his starship and heads for Coruscant. 



Meanwhile, on Tatooine... 

The NOGHRI leader is waiting for the Queen's young handmaiden SABE at Beggar's Canyon. He nervously paces back and forth beneath a large natural stone archway. He seems highly agitated, constantly fingering the trigger of the blaster at his side. 

NOGHRI: (to self) Where is she?!! Does she want the purse or not?! I have to kill at least one innocent unsuspecting person to satisfy my code of honor. 

Suddenly the Noghri spots the figure of the young woman standing in the shadows beneath a large boulder. In the shadows, her pale face is shrouded by darkness... 

NOGHRI: (smugly) So......you decided to show up after all.......you're very foolish, young handmaiden. Now you will die! 

But when the young woman steps out of the shadows, he sees that it isn't Sabe at all, but QUEEN AMIDALA!!!! The young queen has a deadly glint in her eye and a look of cool determination on her face... 

AMIDALA: I'm your huckleberry... 

NOGHRI: (nervously backing up) Look...I've got no quarrel with you Queen Amidala... 

AMIDALA: (stepping closer) What's wrong? You look like someone just walked over your grave. 

NOGHRI: Okay, I don't want to fight you, but you give me no choice... 

He tries to make eye-contact with her. Amidala doesn't flinch at all, but the Noghri blinks his beady little eyes several times. Finally he tries to pull his blaster... 

BANG!!!!! Amidala shoots him dead before he even manages to clear the holster... 

AMIDALA: He was just too highly strung... 

Amidala steps over to his body, reaches into his coat, and pulls out Sabe's rancor-skin purse. 

Just then, SABE walks up into the canyon. When she sees Amidala holding her purse, she runs up and gives her a hug. 

AMIDALA: Here's your purse, Sabe. 

SABE: I can't believe you did this for me. Oh thank you so much!!!! 

AMIDALA: Don't mention it. Now let's get to that Luau!!! 

The two walk back to the Queen's ship and fly off to Coruscant. 



Meanwhile, in orbit around Bakura... 

ANAKIN SKYWALKER skillfully pilots his ship through a veritable maze of superweapons. He's destroyed several Sun-Crushers, ECCSD's, and World Devestators, but it's just taking too long. 

ANAKIN: Damn! I'm gonna miss the luau! 

Suddenly he takes a hit to his starship. The ship spirals out of control... 

ANAKIN: Going down!!! My only hope is to steer for that Death Star Prototype.....if I can just reach the hangar bay... 

Anakin miraculously manages to steer his damaged starship into the hangar bay, where it skids to a screeching halt. The young Jedi opens the cockpit. 

ANAKIN: I'll use the Force to guide me around this place... 

Using the Force, Anakin makes his way to the bridge. When he steps onto the bridge, he sees MARA JADE. 

MARA: Ooh...you're cute. What's your name? 

ANAKIN: (puzzled) I'm Anakin Skywalker. Who are you? 

MARA: Darth Bimbus. 

ANAKIN: You're that chick Obi-wan was telling me about. Man, he was right....you're hot. 

MARA: Obi-wan!!! Does this mean you're a Jedi too? 

ANAKIN: Yeah... 

MARA: Oh no! Now I've gotta try and kill you. Awww....and I really liked you... 

ANAKIN: (stepping closer) Can't you think of anything better for the two of us to do together than trying to kill each other? 

MARA: Yeah.......but you're a Jedi. I'm supposed to kill Jedis. 

ANAKIN: (thinking fast) You don't have to kill me! I'm.....a...a...a Dark Jedi! 

MARA: A Dark Jedi! Well Mistah' P never said nothin' about killing Dark Jedis! You wanna make out with me? I've got a water-bed... 

ANAKIN: (eagerly) You don't have to ask me twice! 

He steps forward, but suddenly hesitates... 

ANAKIN: No....this is wrong. Amidala is waiting for me. 

MARA: Awwwww......that's sooo sweet! You're a real cutie-pie! 

ANAKIN: Stand aside! I've got to take control of this thing and use the superlaser to destroy the fleet! 

MARA: Ummm......the thing is......there might be a little tiny problem with that... 

ANAKIN: Go on... 

MARA: I couldn't figure this thing out for nothin'. So I met this nice droid in the hallway. He asked me to upload him into the computer-system so he could fire the laser for me. 

ANAKIN: You didn't... 

MARA: Oh no! I know better than that! He was an assasin droid, and I knew he might use the laser to hurt somebody... 

ANAKIN: That is generally the purpose of superweaponry.... 

MARA: (ignoring that last statement) But that droid got me to thinkin'....if he could operate the laser for me, then that means that any other kind of droid could do the same thing... 

ANAKIN: I think that having a 'droid's consciousness' fire the turbolaser of the Death Star is the single worst idea I've ever heard. In fact, I think I'm actually going to vomitt... 

MARA: Well....I couldn't find no more droids, so I uploaded the next best thing into the system....A TOASTER!!!!! 

ANAKIN: A TOASTER!!!!??? I'm pretty sure that toasters aren't even sentient... 

MARA: But this was an extra-special good Sith Toaster that Mistah P gave me for my birthday! 

ANAKIN: (horrified) Not an evil SITH TOASTER!!!!!! 

To Annie's horror, the superlaser begins to charge up. But instead of a deadly blast of devestating energy, it releases a giant piece of galactic-sized toast! 

ANAKIN: OH NO!!!! That toast will destroy the planet for sure!!!! Out of my way, babe! 

He pushes Mara out of the way and pops open the hatch on the control panel of the Super-Laser. Within minutes he's disabled the brain of the Sith Toaster, and got the superlaser working properly again... 

ANAKIN: Okay, watch this!!! 

Anakin uses the superlaser to blast the giant toast into toasty galactic-sized croutons. He then procedes to destroy every single one of the World Devestators and all but one of the ECSSDs-- Palpatine's flagship. Palpatine has skillfully maneuvered his ship out of range of the Death Star's superlaser. 

ANAKIN: Uh-oh.....I can't seem to hit the Sun-Crushers with this thing! They're just too small!!! 

MARA: (blankly) Yeah....it'd be easier if the pilots just used their self-destruct buttons... 

ANAKIN: Self-destruct buttons??!!!! These ships all have self-destruct buttons?! 

MARA: Yeah...what superweapon would be complete without a self-destruct button? 

ANAKIN: Quick, give me the comm-link frequency for the Sun-crusher pilots! 

MARA: Okay, it's 102....Hey!!!! You're not gonna do anything bad with this info are ya, Annie? 

ANAKIN: Nah....I'm just going to....compliment them on their craptacular flying skills... 

MARA: Okay! Tell 'em I said hi too! All the pilots know me, and I mean REALLY KNOW me, if ya know what I mean! 

ANAKIN: I think I can guess...Okay, what is that comm-frequency? 

MARA: 10287. 

Anakin punches the comm-frequency into his comm-link. 

ANAKIN: (using Jedi mind-trick) You will all press the self-destruct buttons on your ships.....NOW. 

MARA: Hey!!!! You lied to me!!! 

A moment later, every last Sun-Crusher suddenly explodes in unison. Anakin breathes a sigh of relief, but Mara is crying... 

MARA: Mistah' P is gonna be so mad at me... 

ANAKIN: (putting his arm around Mara) Oh....it'll be okay, babe. Now look, I want to be sure that you make it out of here alive, so you'll be able to 'help' Emperor Palpatine out with all of his future plans. I'm sure you've really been 'helping' him get things done lately, and I wouldn't want him to have to cope without you there to be his 'helper'. 

MARA: Awwww....you're sooooo sweet Annie. That Amidala is a lucky girl. 

ANAKIN: So I want you to head for the escape pod and I'll launch it towards Palpatine's ship. 

MARA: Thanks! Bye, Annie! 

Mara French-kisses Anakin good-bye and runs off for the escape pod. 

Anakin switches the comm-link to Palpatine's ECSSD frequency. 

ANAKIN: Okay, Palpatine! Here's the deal: I've changed my mind about being your new Sith apprentice. I'm going to destroy this Death Star and launch myself to your ship in an escape pod. Meet me at the pod in the hangar bay. 

PALPATINE: I knew it!!!! I knew you'd come around sooner or later, my young apprentice!!! 

Anakin switches off the commlink. He launches Mara's escape pod off towards Palpatine's ship. He then rushes off to his own starfighter in the hangar bay. After some hasty repairs, he races back to the Death Star bridge. He initiates the self-destruct sequence on the Death Star Prototype, rushes back to his ship, and flies out just as the thing explodes... 

ANAKIN: Yeeeeeee-haw!!!!!!! Jedi Luau, here I come!!!! 

Anakin leaves the Bakura system, enters hyperspace, and is soon on his way to Coruscant. 


Meanwhile, in the hangar bay of Palpatine's ECSSD... 

PALPATINE: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT YOU!!!!!! I WANTED ANAKIN SKYWALKER, NOT YOU!!!!!! 

MARA: Geez, Mistah P. You really know how to make a girl feel welcome... 

PALPATINE: This is the worst day of my life! I've lost my new apprentice and my entire fleet of superweapons!!!! 

MARA: And your only son..... 

PALPATINE: My what? Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that......well I suppose it hasn't been all bad. Still, I don't know how I ever let that idiot talk me into buying all those self-destruct buttons.....Okay, Mara let's just head back to Coruscant. Tomorrow is another day. I'm sure I'll come up with a better fiendish plan next time... 

He suddenly stops as he looks out of the hangar bay to see a massive approaching star-ship. Oddly enough, the ship is shaped like an enormous, craptacular book... 

PALPATINE: What is this?! 

The Book-Ship docks with Palpatine's ECSSD and hundreds of tubby, incredibly nerd-like beings board the ship. 

NERD-LIKE BEING #1: We are the EU-ites. We have come to........OH MY GOD!!!! MARA JADE!!!!!! LOOK EVERYONE, IT'S MARA JADE!!!!!! 

EU-ITE #2: THE GODDESS HERSELF??!!! 

Suddenly the hundreds of nerd-like beings bow down to worship Mara. They chant MARA JADE...MARA JADE....MARA JADE... 

PALPATINE: (feelings hurt) Don't you people even care about me? I am only the Ruler of the Entire Galaxy and Supreme Master of the Sith... 

EU-ITE #1: SHUT UP!!!! Shhhh....Mara speaks... 

MARA: Awwwww.....you guys are sweet....it's nice for a girl to finally be appreciated... 

EU-ITE #1: We have searched the galaxy for decades hoping to meet the great Mara Jade. We will take you and your faithful sidekick here to the planet EUlon where you will serve as our goddess for all of eternity. 

PALPATINE: But....what in the name of all that is Evil has this stupid bimbo ever done?!!! 

An angry murmur passes over the crowd. 

PALPATINE: Well....can you name one significant thing she's ever done in her entire empty little life? 

EU-ITE #1: Hmmmm.......well......I'm sure we'll think of something eventually. But you have just transgressed against our sacred religion by insulting the Goddess... 

He is cut off as Palpatine whips up the most intense, destructive, furious blast of Force-lightning he's ever summoned. He fries the entire front line of the EU-ites, grabs Mara, and makes a run for the escape pod... 

PALPATINE: Hurry, we have to get off the ship! 

MARA: Awww....do we really have to leave these guys, Mistah P? I think they might kinda like me..... 

PALPATINE: Trust me Mara, even you would get tired of arguing with these people after a while... 

They make it to the escape pod and launch themselves towards the planet below, narrowly escaping the clutches of the EU-ites... 

In the pod, Palpatine speaks to Mara... 

PALPATINE: (looking down at planet) Well.....how bad could this place possibly be. I'm sure I'll be able to tolerate it long enough to find a transport off-world. 

MARA: I don't know Mistah P. It looks kinda crappy to me... 

The pod crashes into the forests of Bakura. Palpatine spots several 'giant lizards' nearby. They are running around in circles, bumping into each other and accidently stunning each other with their weapons... 

PALPATINE: (gulp) I have a bad feeling about this....


EU-pisode II: "Chapter 20: The Wedding of Anakin and Amidala" 


Coruscant. Jedi Temple. The Jedi knights, along with all of our other heroes, celebrate the hard-won victory with a Hawaiin-style luau... 

YODA: Time for the limbo it is! 

KI-ADI: Not again...my head always hits the pole... 

MACE: Damn Yoda...you're always so eager to do the f****** limbo. (sarcastically) I wonder why? 

The Jedis set up the limbo pole and begin to limbo. As usual, Yoda wins easily. 

In another corner of the room... 

OBI-WAN: I sense a disturbance in the force.... 

SABE: Oh, Obi-wan....I thought you'd be a lot of fun at this party. Why are you always so serious? 

OBI-WAN: Something is greatly troubling me. We won this battle so easily. There was never any real danger. Also, the events of the last week were so very repetitive. I mean, come on, three nearly identical Jedi Council scenes! 

SABE: So what? 

OBI-WAN: I fear that this galaxy will become incredibly bland, boring, and crappy if things start to happen this way. 

SABE: Oh I'm certain that they'll think of some way to keep it interesting. Hey, maybe they'll just randomly kill off a main character for no particular reason! 

OBI-WAN: You mean....they'd kill off one of us, but still let all of these worthless 'expanded' characters stay alive? 

SABE: (thinking) Well..........nah, they'd never do something like that... 

OBI-WAN: I should hope not! (perking up) Let's dance, babe! 

Obi-wan and Sabe step out onto the dance floor. Meanwhile, sitting together in a quiet corner of the room are Queen Amidala and Anakin Skywalker. 

ANAKIN: Amidala, I'm sorry about all the other women. I should have known that you were the only one for me. You mean so much to me... 

AMIDALA: And you mean so much to me Anakin. 

Anakin drops to one knee. 

ANAKIN: Amidala, will you marry me? 

AMIDALA: Of course I will!!!! HEY EVERYBODY, WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!!!! 

Cheers erupt from the crowd. All in all, it is a wonderful night for our heroes, without a single drop of 'expanded' crap to ruin it. 


Two weeks later....The Jedi Council chamber is decorated for the Wedding of Anakin and Amidala. It's a fairly small affair, with a few important guests seated in the chamber. Of course, all of the Jedi Council is there. Owen and Beru are there. C-3P0 and R2-D2 are shining brightly with their very best polish. Jar-Jar binks doesn't look so goofy in his spiffy tuxedo. Even Jabba the Hutt is in attendence--he's there out of gratitutude to Anakin for helping him out at the palace. Around Jabba's neck, dangling on a chain, is the head of Prince Xizor. 

Obi-wan is Best-Man and Sabe is the Maid of Honor. An awed silence passes over the crowd when Queen Amidala walks down the aisle in her most stunning, elaborate gown of all time. She joins Anakin at the altar. Yoda is presiding over the ceremony... 

YODA: Take this woman for your lawfully wedded wife do you, Anakin? 

ANAKIN: I do. 

YODA: And this young Jedi do you take for your lawfully wedded husband, Amidala? 

AMIDALA: I do. 

YODA: Then, if no objections there are... 

He is interrupted, as an unkempt, older-looking guy in ill-fitting, pseudo-Jedi robes enters the room. His robes hang open in the front revealing his flabby physique. 

JORUS: I object!!! Everyone knows that Anakin's true wife and the mother of his children was a 'Jedi-lite' named 'Nashira' who studied the 'White Current'!!! 

ANAKIN: What the f***!? 

JORUS: Besides, I feel that more of the Jedi order needs to be here to witness this ceremony! 

Jorus throws open the doors of the chamber, letting in an incredibly stupid mishmash of 'Jedi Knights'. There are dozens of cloned Jori, a floating gooey blob of 'Waru', several cows crudely stuffed into Jedi cloaks, and a dead tree with a Jedi tunic wrapped around its trunk being pulled in a little red wagon by a Jedi-Chimpanzee. Oh yeah...the wagon is also a 'Jedi'. 

ANAKIN: These are not Jedi Knights!!!! 

JORUS: Of course they are!!! And we've brought you lots of holocrons and Force Aura-readers and ysalamiri... 

MACE: (drawing his saber) That's it! Don't worry Anakin--I won't let these M*****F*****s ruin your wedding!!! 

YODA: No Mace. Kill these beings we have many times already. Always back to life do they come. 

OBI-WAN: But Master Yoda! We can't just stand by and let these things live in our galaxy!!! They devalue the whole thing!!! 

Suddenly, as if from far off, a mysterious voice is heard speaking. 

VOICE: No.....there is a way.... 

OBI-WAN: Master Qui-gon!!!!! 

Qui-gon Jinn's glowing spirit appears in the chamber. 

QUI-GON: I just had to come for Anakin's wedding. Way to go Annie! 

ANAKIN: Thanks Qui-gon! We've all really missed you. 

OBI-WAN: Master, what were you trying to say earlier.....there is a way? 

QUI-GON: A way to defeat these beings. You see, I've become enlightened in many ways since I passed from this life. I now know there is a way to destroy these 'expanded' beings... 

AMIDALA: What is it? 

QUI-GON: It's really quite simple. Don't believe in them. They don't really exist. They're not really here. They're not really a part of this galaxy. If you pay them no attention, they'll vanish like smoke in the wind. 

MACE: But they're so horribly annoying. I think I'm gonna have f****** nightmares for years about this stupid s***! 

QUI-GON: Even so, Mace, you must think of the big picture. In years to come, people will remember all of us. What they won't remember is a bunch of trashy spin-off 'expanded' garbage. Long after these floating 'Warus', Jedi-cows, Jedi-trees, Jedi-chimps, and cloned Jorus Crappys are gone, people will still remember us, the true characters of this story. 

YODA: Right you are Qui-gon. Not such a bad guy were you. A little hard on you I may have been during your life. 

QUI-GON: It's okay, Yoda. You were only doing what you thought was best. 

ANAKIN: Hellooooooo?!!! Those crappy 'Expandos' are still here! 

QUI-GON: Okay everyone! On the count of three, stop believing in these people. Stop acknowledging their existence. Stop reading about them. Stop polluting this wonderful fantastic galaxy with such trashy nonsense. Ready......ONE....TWO....THREE!!!!! 

With a puff of smoke, all of the 'expanded' Jedis vanish. Everyone cheers. Yoda resumes Anakin and Amidala's wedding ceremony, while Qui-gon watches proudly. 

YODA: So, by the power vested in me by the Force, pronounce you husband and wife I do! Kiss the bride now, you may! 

Anakin and Amidala share an extra long kiss. Everyone is happy. 

AMIDALA: (whispering in Annie's ear) I can't wait for the honeymoon tonight... 

ANAKIN: I have a good feeling about this! 


THE END
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